Dear Mystery Neighbor That Lives Above Me,
Recently you’ve been making some extra efforts to show how much you care about me. I’ve never seen so much love come from a neighbor that lives above me instead of next to me. I guess it’s also surprising because I’ve never met you. I wanted to take a moment to let you know that your ceaseless demonstrations of how much you care mean a lot to me. I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.
New York City is a loud and busy place, and everyone needs a good reminder that they need to take a step back and get some rest. When you left a note taped to our door about how we were up too late on a Saturday night, we knew it was because you were looking out for us. We also know that when you say “the noise [we] produce is really becoming a problem for you” it means you’re worried. You’re probably upstairs, awake, thinking “What if they stay up too late and miss their brunch plans tomorrow?” or maybe even something worse, like ‘What if they have big bags under their eyes?!”
Thank you for worrying. If nothing else, it’s important to know that there’s someone who cares.
It’s the little things that make big statements, you know? Last night, around 11:30, you must have heard me reading something out loud to my boyfriend sitting next to me, and you swiftly struck your foot on the floor several times as if to say “Hey, It’s bedtime. People are going to bed.” Thank you. Sometimes you need someone above you looking out for your best interests, and since you’re literally above me, I guess I really lucked out. Today I’m well rested and you are in my thoughts. As I write this letter, each strike of the keyboard keys reminds me of the kind, unforgettable, loud (but not too loud, the perfect kind of loud=) sound of the impact of your foot on the hard wood floors that probably resemble that of my own apartment. I mean, if you’re not going to encourage me to get more sleep, who is?
I’ve never seen you in person, and I’m really jealous my boyfriend has answered the doors to your visits. Sometimes you’ve come to let us know that you can hear our music, (I’m glad you think we have good taste?!) and other times you’ve stopped by just to tell us that it’s midnight on a Friday and that you’ve had a rough week. I’m so glad you feel that you can open up to us even though we really have no idea who you are. You’re also always ready to tell us the time. Thank you for keeping us on schedule! You’re just the person living above us, but really, you’re so much more.
You’ve been caring a lot more lately, and please don’t think I haven’t noticed. Two nights ago you stomped on the floor. It wasn’t just any stomp. This stomp had some extra love and care to it. I imagined that it was the sound of a mother, lovingly banging pots and pans together 14 feet away from me in a vertical direction. I awoke, and was blessed to hear the voice of this mystery man, this goodly spirit, this fairy-man-mother of East Village apartments when you yelled down the airshaft “SHUT UP, IT’S 2 IN THE MORNING!” I really appreciated that you would stay up so late to let me know that I should be getting more rest. I didn’t respond because I wanted to show you I was listening. I pretended to still be asleep, and really tried hard to go back to sleep. I think you noticed because then you shouted like a coach to their rag-tag team of rapscallions, “AND STAY QUIET.”
I think we give you purpose [not that someone as mindful as you wouldn’t have purpose without us]. But I think, and I hope, that you really get satisfaction out of reminding us that you’re less than suited to live in a neighborhood like the East Village in New York City. Maybe you’re looking to become another local legend? The next reason to have a musical based in the area? Or maybe you’re just looking for someone to suggest somewhere else for someone your age to live. Maybe you’re looking for us to be looking out for you. Trust me when I tell you, we’re working on it.
If nothing else, you’ve made an impact on my life, and I’ve told myself that as soon as we move out of our apartment beneath you, I’ll give you this letter as a way of saying “Thank You.” I hope you achieve your dreams.
Love,
Your Neighbors Jackie and Adam
PS – IT’S 2 AM! Haha, get it? Now I’m telling you the time! LOL
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Why The First 32 Days of 2011 Have Been Great
The entrance of 2011 was particularly tumultuous. After losing the keys to our apartment on new years eve and being locked out of our apartment for a few hours, we made it back into our house and to rebel bingo and had a glorious and debaucherous evening of tacos and four loco. This is why 2011 has started off super swell.
1.The discovery of 10-cent wing night!
2.Rebel Bingo!
3. Taco Addiction!
4. Seeing The Colbert Report!
5. Bell, Book and Candle!
6. Seeing The Daily Show!
7. Long Weekend in New Orleans!
8. Seeing Spiderman on Broadway!
9. The lack of time I needed to stay afterschool!
10. My ability to keep my new years resolution and shop way less!
11. Long Weekend in Torino, Italy!
12. Starbucks gift cards for completing my Quest PD first!
13. Registering for my NYS teaching certification exams!
14. Finishing my grad school application!
15. Joyous times with friends (mostly with or around 10 cent wings)!
16. Finishing two more songs with Soce!
17. Emailing my favorite nerdcore rapper Schaffer the Darklord for advice!
18. Not having to make the program for Carnegie Hall!
19. Newest high scores in fruit ninja (843?!)
20. Lording newest high scores in fruit ninja over my 9th graders heads!
21. Acknowledgement that the 8th grade play was awesome!
22. Losing my astrological sign and then getting it back!
23. Pre-Production on the music video for spicify my love!
24. Posting on my blog after a whole year of not doing that!
25. Run-ins with old friends on the street!
26. Jersey Shore Season 3.
27. You’re Cut Off enters my life.
28. Good evaluation from one of my boss’s!
29. FIRST SNOW DAY OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!
30. Being told it looks like I lost weight!
31. Having 6th graders clap and cheer for me when I enter the room!
32. Newfound motivation to be the awesomest at everything! Where did it come from?!?!
33. Jeremiah got into college!
It’s funny that I’m posting this on a day that has been arguably the worst this year. It’s the type of day when there’s a massive ice storm and your metro card expires and you think you’re going to miss the train because you have to literally run everywhere on sheets of ice and the students have to do the same so they’re all in bad moods. I hope today gets better though! Maybe I’ll go cash that paycheck I haven’t yet put in my bank account to make me feel like I’ve achieved something.
1.The discovery of 10-cent wing night!
2.Rebel Bingo!
3. Taco Addiction!
4. Seeing The Colbert Report!
5. Bell, Book and Candle!
6. Seeing The Daily Show!
7. Long Weekend in New Orleans!
8. Seeing Spiderman on Broadway!
9. The lack of time I needed to stay afterschool!
10. My ability to keep my new years resolution and shop way less!
11. Long Weekend in Torino, Italy!
12. Starbucks gift cards for completing my Quest PD first!
13. Registering for my NYS teaching certification exams!
14. Finishing my grad school application!
15. Joyous times with friends (mostly with or around 10 cent wings)!
16. Finishing two more songs with Soce!
17. Emailing my favorite nerdcore rapper Schaffer the Darklord for advice!
18. Not having to make the program for Carnegie Hall!
19. Newest high scores in fruit ninja (843?!)
20. Lording newest high scores in fruit ninja over my 9th graders heads!
21. Acknowledgement that the 8th grade play was awesome!
22. Losing my astrological sign and then getting it back!
23. Pre-Production on the music video for spicify my love!
24. Posting on my blog after a whole year of not doing that!
25. Run-ins with old friends on the street!
26. Jersey Shore Season 3.
27. You’re Cut Off enters my life.
28. Good evaluation from one of my boss’s!
29. FIRST SNOW DAY OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!
30. Being told it looks like I lost weight!
31. Having 6th graders clap and cheer for me when I enter the room!
32. Newfound motivation to be the awesomest at everything! Where did it come from?!?!
33. Jeremiah got into college!
It’s funny that I’m posting this on a day that has been arguably the worst this year. It’s the type of day when there’s a massive ice storm and your metro card expires and you think you’re going to miss the train because you have to literally run everywhere on sheets of ice and the students have to do the same so they’re all in bad moods. I hope today gets better though! Maybe I’ll go cash that paycheck I haven’t yet put in my bank account to make me feel like I’ve achieved something.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Hello 2011. I'm going to own you.
New Years 2011: Bring it
The close of 2010 was faced with both badness and awesomeness. On the final day of the year, the cosmos were so in balance with themselves, every time I was struck with something that left me feeling terrible, it would soon be eradicated and replaced with a feeling of greatness. I hope the pendulum swinging from good to bad on the final day of the year is not indicative of how 2011 will go. In fact, I hope that 2011 remains mostly on the good side of the pendulum, with a heavy weight in the way to keep it from going anywhere else. I don’t even want it to slowly fell back to the middle, which is “the okay zone”.
To recap how December 31st fell upon me like a ton of bricks:
2011: Be awesome.
After a moment mourning the end of a friendship, I went to brunch and bought a book about zombies. Both were awesome. Brunch was delicious. The time is now, and only now for things to be good.
2011: Things you set in place in the past will start to be fruitful now.
Reservations at NYC’s most exclusive prohibition bar? Set.
Certificates of Completion for all of my UCB Training? Set.
A love for bingo and raves? Set.
2011: Still getting student specials at the taco place across the street.
3 dollars for 2 tacos and a soda?! You can’t beat that. Especially if you’re not really a student.
2011: The best things in life are free.
Love. Happiness. Free purses on the street from a vintage store going out of business?! Yeah, this was a good moment in the day.
2011: Roll with the punches.
My boyfriend lost the keys to our apartment, and we were locked out for a while. For 2 hours, we wandered the streets of NYC looking for the keys to our own apartment. We were homeless, and looked the part as we scanned the ground again and again for something shiny. Finally, a friend called and said they found them.
Life felt so good. Home is where I want to be. This must be the place.
2011: Resolutions.
1. Shop Less. Save for the future.
2. I need to make myself happy. Until I do that, I can’t possibly start to make others happy.
3. Create more: Jokes. Songs. I should always be in the habit of creating.
4. Cleaning out what I don’t need. This is serious quarter-life crisis mode.
5. Appreciating my family more. They’re pretty awesome, and there are always ways to show it.
6. Write my damn book.
7. Get famous.
2010 was really great. 2011 will be even better.
All the best, and Happy New Year to the five people that read my blog.
Jackie
The close of 2010 was faced with both badness and awesomeness. On the final day of the year, the cosmos were so in balance with themselves, every time I was struck with something that left me feeling terrible, it would soon be eradicated and replaced with a feeling of greatness. I hope the pendulum swinging from good to bad on the final day of the year is not indicative of how 2011 will go. In fact, I hope that 2011 remains mostly on the good side of the pendulum, with a heavy weight in the way to keep it from going anywhere else. I don’t even want it to slowly fell back to the middle, which is “the okay zone”.
To recap how December 31st fell upon me like a ton of bricks:
2011: Be awesome.
After a moment mourning the end of a friendship, I went to brunch and bought a book about zombies. Both were awesome. Brunch was delicious. The time is now, and only now for things to be good.
2011: Things you set in place in the past will start to be fruitful now.
Reservations at NYC’s most exclusive prohibition bar? Set.
Certificates of Completion for all of my UCB Training? Set.
A love for bingo and raves? Set.
2011: Still getting student specials at the taco place across the street.
3 dollars for 2 tacos and a soda?! You can’t beat that. Especially if you’re not really a student.
2011: The best things in life are free.
Love. Happiness. Free purses on the street from a vintage store going out of business?! Yeah, this was a good moment in the day.
2011: Roll with the punches.
My boyfriend lost the keys to our apartment, and we were locked out for a while. For 2 hours, we wandered the streets of NYC looking for the keys to our own apartment. We were homeless, and looked the part as we scanned the ground again and again for something shiny. Finally, a friend called and said they found them.
Life felt so good. Home is where I want to be. This must be the place.
2011: Resolutions.
1. Shop Less. Save for the future.
2. I need to make myself happy. Until I do that, I can’t possibly start to make others happy.
3. Create more: Jokes. Songs. I should always be in the habit of creating.
4. Cleaning out what I don’t need. This is serious quarter-life crisis mode.
5. Appreciating my family more. They’re pretty awesome, and there are always ways to show it.
6. Write my damn book.
7. Get famous.
2010 was really great. 2011 will be even better.
All the best, and Happy New Year to the five people that read my blog.
Jackie
Saturday, January 02, 2010
2010 Resolutions
2009 has surely been a cray cray year. I assisted with the production of, quite possibly, the worst musical ever. I started doing Bikram Yoga. I traveled to foreign lands, like Brooklyn and 125th street. It’s been a big year for me, but I need to make some changes to make 2010 even bigger.
Also, let's talk about decades. I mean, I've already lived through two! Sweet Jesus.
In 2010, I resolve to…
1. Write more.
2. Exercise?
3. Not subsist on a diet entirely of candy.
4. Not subsist on a diet entirely of popcorn.
5. Not subsist on a diet entirely of cheerios.
6. Eat better?
7. Treat myself!
8. Give more gifts.
9. Treat myself!
10. Win things.
11. Treat myself!
12. Read more.
13. Learn how to relax.
14. Write lists.
15. Be funny.
16. Spend less on haircuts.
17. Finish my pop song.
18. Make music video for pop song.
19. Become internet super sensation.
20. Use internet sensationalism to gain world power.
21. Solve the economic crisis.
22. Have face added to Mount Rushmore.
23. Rename our capital “Jackietown”.
24. Try skiing.
25. Win more things.
26. Treat myself!
27. Lose a million pounds. I mean, really. A million.
28. Read all those books I have to read.
29. Be more thankful for all the awesome family and friends I have.
30. Live alone.
31. Love living alone.
32. Become a hermit.
33. Become a Kermit.
34. Kiss a princess.
35. Become a prince.
36. Solve the economic crisis.
37. Have face added to mount rushmore.
38. Rename the our capital “Jackietown”.
39. Treat myself!
40. Be an all around better Jackie.
2010 is bound to be the best. All the best to all you blog-readers that don’t exist!
Also, let's talk about decades. I mean, I've already lived through two! Sweet Jesus.
In 2010, I resolve to…
1. Write more.
2. Exercise?
3. Not subsist on a diet entirely of candy.
4. Not subsist on a diet entirely of popcorn.
5. Not subsist on a diet entirely of cheerios.
6. Eat better?
7. Treat myself!
8. Give more gifts.
9. Treat myself!
10. Win things.
11. Treat myself!
12. Read more.
13. Learn how to relax.
14. Write lists.
15. Be funny.
16. Spend less on haircuts.
17. Finish my pop song.
18. Make music video for pop song.
19. Become internet super sensation.
20. Use internet sensationalism to gain world power.
21. Solve the economic crisis.
22. Have face added to Mount Rushmore.
23. Rename our capital “Jackietown”.
24. Try skiing.
25. Win more things.
26. Treat myself!
27. Lose a million pounds. I mean, really. A million.
28. Read all those books I have to read.
29. Be more thankful for all the awesome family and friends I have.
30. Live alone.
31. Love living alone.
32. Become a hermit.
33. Become a Kermit.
34. Kiss a princess.
35. Become a prince.
36. Solve the economic crisis.
37. Have face added to mount rushmore.
38. Rename the our capital “Jackietown”.
39. Treat myself!
40. Be an all around better Jackie.
2010 is bound to be the best. All the best to all you blog-readers that don’t exist!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Christmas Borscht
This is the story of Christmas Borscht and how gross it is.
At the ripe age of 24, I have the same diet as an 80-year-old Ukrainian woman.
Lunch = Lentil soup.
Dinner = Borscht.
Snacks = Children.
For those of you that don’t know, Borscht is a beet-based soup that makes your poop magenta. I frequent a place called Veselka in the east village and order a cup of Vegetarian Borscht several times a week– it’s brothy, has a lot of vegetables, and, in my opinion, is super delicious.
Today when I stopped by Veselka and asked for the usual, they said “We don’t have Vegetarian Borscht, we only have “Christmas Borscht”, which is also vegetarian.” How far could a vegetarian borscht be from Vegetarian Borscht? Very far. Very. Very. Far.
Being Jewish, I should have been wary of eating “Christmas” anything. Christmas Carols. Christmas Trees. Christmas Cheer. All have the ability to disgust or crush me.
“Christmas Borscht” takes normal borscht to new levels. It is hilarious to say out loud. It implies reindeer and presents are involved. It is disappointing on all accounts.
From the moment I opened the container, I knew it was all wrong. There was the sent of an added spice that was a total curveball to my borscht experience. A gross curveball. Like, a curveball that smelled like ass. It was only downhill from there.
When I put my spoon in to brave the Christmas Borscht, there were no vegetables. There were only what could be described as “dumplings”, but instead of dumplings, they were really more like oversized tortellini that were stained pink on the outside, and totally black and mushy in the middle. I assumed I was eating mushrooms, but a part of me knows that’s wishful thinking.
I couldn’t finish it. I mean, you should have seen it. Smelled it. It’s been an hour since I tried to down it. Three pieces of gum later, and I still taste it. A part of me wants nothing to do with beets ever again.
I realize that eating, liking, and craving beet-soup is pretty weird, but Christmas Borscht isn’t helping. Christmas Borscht is giving normal borscht a bad name, and I think we should ban together and protest. Think of the other holidays and the tainted borscht experiences they’ll provide…and how each one will be a mystery meal.
At the ripe age of 24, I have the same diet as an 80-year-old Ukrainian woman.
Lunch = Lentil soup.
Dinner = Borscht.
Snacks = Children.
For those of you that don’t know, Borscht is a beet-based soup that makes your poop magenta. I frequent a place called Veselka in the east village and order a cup of Vegetarian Borscht several times a week– it’s brothy, has a lot of vegetables, and, in my opinion, is super delicious.
Today when I stopped by Veselka and asked for the usual, they said “We don’t have Vegetarian Borscht, we only have “Christmas Borscht”, which is also vegetarian.” How far could a vegetarian borscht be from Vegetarian Borscht? Very far. Very. Very. Far.
Being Jewish, I should have been wary of eating “Christmas” anything. Christmas Carols. Christmas Trees. Christmas Cheer. All have the ability to disgust or crush me.
“Christmas Borscht” takes normal borscht to new levels. It is hilarious to say out loud. It implies reindeer and presents are involved. It is disappointing on all accounts.
From the moment I opened the container, I knew it was all wrong. There was the sent of an added spice that was a total curveball to my borscht experience. A gross curveball. Like, a curveball that smelled like ass. It was only downhill from there.
When I put my spoon in to brave the Christmas Borscht, there were no vegetables. There were only what could be described as “dumplings”, but instead of dumplings, they were really more like oversized tortellini that were stained pink on the outside, and totally black and mushy in the middle. I assumed I was eating mushrooms, but a part of me knows that’s wishful thinking.
I couldn’t finish it. I mean, you should have seen it. Smelled it. It’s been an hour since I tried to down it. Three pieces of gum later, and I still taste it. A part of me wants nothing to do with beets ever again.
I realize that eating, liking, and craving beet-soup is pretty weird, but Christmas Borscht isn’t helping. Christmas Borscht is giving normal borscht a bad name, and I think we should ban together and protest. Think of the other holidays and the tainted borscht experiences they’ll provide…and how each one will be a mystery meal.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Jackie Writes a Hilarious Bug Story! (For Kids!)
Here's something that happened to me in real life that I've now made into a child-friendly fable. This is the story of Jackie and the Beetle. What's the moral? You decide!
This is a story of triumph.
I got home late last night to find a large beetle on the side of my fan. It didn’t look like a cockroach. It was a size that was somewhere between a nickel and a dime. Large Antenna. Lots of legs. Grey. Gross.
So I did what I always do: I sprayed it with Windex. It didn’t move at all.
Then I sprayed it with hairspray. It still didn’t move at all.
THEN I tried a different hairspray that I thought would be more toxic. Again, the bug didn’t move, but how Voluminous!
Then I went to put everything back where I got it, because otherwise I would never be able to find them the NEXT time there was a bug in my room! As soon as I turned my back, the bug started to crawl down the fan.
Now, I’m really bad at killing bugs. So terrible, in fact, that my next move to kill the bug was again, something that did not kill the bug. The next thing I did was throw my fan across the room.
My fan is small and round, no larger than a cantaloupe. I love cantaloupe, though I would not love it if there were bugs on it. I threw my cantaloupe fan the full 18 feet across my room and was relieved, when I retrieved it, that there was no bug on its side.
But where had the bug gone? Surely, it was still in the room. After some careful sleuthing, I uncovered the creature and did what I should have done in the first place: hit it with something heavy.
Keep in mind, that this last move to kill the bug took ALL the grownup strength I could muster. I hate bugs. They are disgusting to look at and have cooties. I don’t like looking at them, I don’t like going in arms reach of them, but I understand that at 24 years old I should be able to kill bugs that are of moderate size.
I took my Cinema Studies textbook on Surrealism and started hitting the bug with the force of 1000 Zeuses. That’s right, I summoned the power of Zeus, the greek god of thunder, and then multiplied that power times 1000 to kill this bug that was not a cockroach. After three blunderous blows with said textbook, I looked down to see the beast, only to watch it start to crawl away again.
So then I did what anyone would do, which is just start wailing on the thing. After losing myself in the heat of the bug killing, I looked down, and it was dead.
I was proud of myself, because I’d never killed a large beetle before. Then I did the most grown thing I could to clean it up: I vacuumed it.
THE END
This is a story of triumph.
I got home late last night to find a large beetle on the side of my fan. It didn’t look like a cockroach. It was a size that was somewhere between a nickel and a dime. Large Antenna. Lots of legs. Grey. Gross.
So I did what I always do: I sprayed it with Windex. It didn’t move at all.
Then I sprayed it with hairspray. It still didn’t move at all.
THEN I tried a different hairspray that I thought would be more toxic. Again, the bug didn’t move, but how Voluminous!
Then I went to put everything back where I got it, because otherwise I would never be able to find them the NEXT time there was a bug in my room! As soon as I turned my back, the bug started to crawl down the fan.
Now, I’m really bad at killing bugs. So terrible, in fact, that my next move to kill the bug was again, something that did not kill the bug. The next thing I did was throw my fan across the room.
My fan is small and round, no larger than a cantaloupe. I love cantaloupe, though I would not love it if there were bugs on it. I threw my cantaloupe fan the full 18 feet across my room and was relieved, when I retrieved it, that there was no bug on its side.
But where had the bug gone? Surely, it was still in the room. After some careful sleuthing, I uncovered the creature and did what I should have done in the first place: hit it with something heavy.
Keep in mind, that this last move to kill the bug took ALL the grownup strength I could muster. I hate bugs. They are disgusting to look at and have cooties. I don’t like looking at them, I don’t like going in arms reach of them, but I understand that at 24 years old I should be able to kill bugs that are of moderate size.
I took my Cinema Studies textbook on Surrealism and started hitting the bug with the force of 1000 Zeuses. That’s right, I summoned the power of Zeus, the greek god of thunder, and then multiplied that power times 1000 to kill this bug that was not a cockroach. After three blunderous blows with said textbook, I looked down to see the beast, only to watch it start to crawl away again.
So then I did what anyone would do, which is just start wailing on the thing. After losing myself in the heat of the bug killing, I looked down, and it was dead.
I was proud of myself, because I’d never killed a large beetle before. Then I did the most grown thing I could to clean it up: I vacuumed it.
THE END
Saturday, August 22, 2009
ALL BUGS AND NO SLEEP MAKE ME A CRAZY PERSON
Throughout history, people have hated ugly things. The ancient Greek Gorgon Medusa had the power to kill even the strongest of men by turning them to stone with a glance. My face breaks camera lenses. Things haven’t changed.
Cockroaches are my modern day Medusa. The difference, of course, is that when I look at them I don’t turn to stone. Instead, I shudder and run away, and then I come back to try and kill them but chicken out and subsequently talk to myself and cry. It’s a good thing this wasn’t Medusa’s effect on Perseus, as an essence of heroism and adventure would certainly be lost from that ancient tale of heroism and adventure.
One month after the last cockroach incident, I’m reliving the same story: I am still not good at getting rid of bugs from my apartment. I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t so giant and disgusting looking, it’s just that these sorts of gross bugs cause the tag of my t-shirt to make my skin crawl.
I went to bed around 1:30am, and around two, I opened my eyes to SEE A GIANT BUG FLY IN MY WINDOW AND CLING TO MY WALL. I’m TEN FLOORS UP! I mean, really?!
It’s 3:30am, and my room has been completely rearranged. I’m too afraid to take off my moccasins in case I have to run around my room some more. My vision has been severely affected by these eye drops my doctor gave me for my cold (they make everything blurry). Even writing this is a struggle, but it’s a struggle in the heat of a moment when I am totally grossed out and in desperate need of distraction.
Throwing a textbook at the bug is not an option this time, as the bug has now planted itself near the window.
I’ve been out of bed for too long, trusty and poisonous Windex at the ready.
I should know by now that Windex is not a sufficient bug killer. My only other option is to do something like step on it. That’s so gross though!
This is the second bug in the apartment I’ve seen, but this one is different….THIS ONE HAS THE ABILITY TO FLY. It’s been sprayed with a lot of Windex though, so maybe we’re both on the same page in terms of blindness.
I’m too afraid to fall asleep. I’m too afraid to turn the lights off. If all you do is sit down to write a blog entry every time you see a bug in your room, you know you’re a big sissy…or in the very least, completely insane.
Cockroaches are my modern day Medusa. The difference, of course, is that when I look at them I don’t turn to stone. Instead, I shudder and run away, and then I come back to try and kill them but chicken out and subsequently talk to myself and cry. It’s a good thing this wasn’t Medusa’s effect on Perseus, as an essence of heroism and adventure would certainly be lost from that ancient tale of heroism and adventure.
One month after the last cockroach incident, I’m reliving the same story: I am still not good at getting rid of bugs from my apartment. I wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t so giant and disgusting looking, it’s just that these sorts of gross bugs cause the tag of my t-shirt to make my skin crawl.
I went to bed around 1:30am, and around two, I opened my eyes to SEE A GIANT BUG FLY IN MY WINDOW AND CLING TO MY WALL. I’m TEN FLOORS UP! I mean, really?!
It’s 3:30am, and my room has been completely rearranged. I’m too afraid to take off my moccasins in case I have to run around my room some more. My vision has been severely affected by these eye drops my doctor gave me for my cold (they make everything blurry). Even writing this is a struggle, but it’s a struggle in the heat of a moment when I am totally grossed out and in desperate need of distraction.
Throwing a textbook at the bug is not an option this time, as the bug has now planted itself near the window.
I’ve been out of bed for too long, trusty and poisonous Windex at the ready.
I should know by now that Windex is not a sufficient bug killer. My only other option is to do something like step on it. That’s so gross though!
This is the second bug in the apartment I’ve seen, but this one is different….THIS ONE HAS THE ABILITY TO FLY. It’s been sprayed with a lot of Windex though, so maybe we’re both on the same page in terms of blindness.
I’m too afraid to fall asleep. I’m too afraid to turn the lights off. If all you do is sit down to write a blog entry every time you see a bug in your room, you know you’re a big sissy…or in the very least, completely insane.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Futuristic Dental Care of the Future's Future
A Product Review of the Toothbrush that Sings
My new iPhone can do everything except brush my teeth. Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve invested in a new toothbrush.
This is NO ORDINARY TOOTHBRUSH. This brush, called “Tooth Tunes” plays 2 minutes of music in your mouth while you’re brushing. THIS IS JUST WHAT I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR IN A TOOTHBRUSH!
It doesn’t promise to clean your teeth extra well. It doesn’t spin, or have any other electronic function other than playing music when you press a button. The big idea behind this fancy toothbrush is that the longer the music is playing, the more you’ll want to brush your teeth to listen to it. PUTTING A RADIO IN YOUR BATHROOM AND PLAYING IT WHILE YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH IS THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER. If you want to hear the same song over and over again while you brush your teeth, this toothbrush is really the best way to go.
The brush comes in a variety of styles: Hannah Montana, High School Musical, Queen, Kiss, Cartoon theme songs, etc. My toothbrush accidentally came with a Spanish song on it called “Ser 0 Parecer” performed by a group called RBD. I can’t wait to learn this song – I watched the music video and have no idea what’s going on, but anything that involves cassette tapes with tentacles and a group of Spice Girls dressed entirely like Shakira gets my thumbs-up for approval.
I haven’t tried it yet, but I have a gut feeling about this brush, and that gut feeling is that I’m glad I got it for free.
My new iPhone can do everything except brush my teeth. Which is why, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve invested in a new toothbrush.
This is NO ORDINARY TOOTHBRUSH. This brush, called “Tooth Tunes” plays 2 minutes of music in your mouth while you’re brushing. THIS IS JUST WHAT I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR IN A TOOTHBRUSH!
It doesn’t promise to clean your teeth extra well. It doesn’t spin, or have any other electronic function other than playing music when you press a button. The big idea behind this fancy toothbrush is that the longer the music is playing, the more you’ll want to brush your teeth to listen to it. PUTTING A RADIO IN YOUR BATHROOM AND PLAYING IT WHILE YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH IS THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER. If you want to hear the same song over and over again while you brush your teeth, this toothbrush is really the best way to go.
The brush comes in a variety of styles: Hannah Montana, High School Musical, Queen, Kiss, Cartoon theme songs, etc. My toothbrush accidentally came with a Spanish song on it called “Ser 0 Parecer” performed by a group called RBD. I can’t wait to learn this song – I watched the music video and have no idea what’s going on, but anything that involves cassette tapes with tentacles and a group of Spice Girls dressed entirely like Shakira gets my thumbs-up for approval.
I haven’t tried it yet, but I have a gut feeling about this brush, and that gut feeling is that I’m glad I got it for free.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
I Went to Japan and Had Fun: Part 2
Hello Again Loving Family!
Kyoto is so full of ancient wonders, but, contrary to popular belief, they are not fun. I would more appropriately describe them as “far away from each other” and “hard to get to”.
Each shrine has given us a different glimpse of life in ancient Japan. We saw a Zen Rock Garden! Did you know that a rock garden consists of rocks? (I prefer rock menageries myself). The brochure for the rock garden told us it WOULD provoke philosophical thinking. I was sorely disappointed.
After the rock garden, we found the shopping mall! There, we had bubble tea and McDonalds. It was JUST like being at home!
Then my friend and I went on this forced march around Kyoto, stopping at the Imperial Palace, a shrine made entirely of gold, and some other places of less significance but equal mystique. Embracing our jet-lag, we woke up at 6:30 in the morning and got ready to adventure around the ancient city and see the old-timey ways of life people emailed us about and loved so much. Unfortunately, the city was much more spread out than we had planned for and it was 90 degrees all day. We walked 8 miles in 7 hours, and had the most disgusting lunch I have ever EVER had ever.
To clarify some of the circumstances, we were told, in an email from one of my friend’s friends, that we should "walk everywhere." Considering that everything is only a couple of inches away from each other on a map (and labeled in Japanese), how were we to assume that one shrine would be an hours worth of walking from the next? We couldn't. Everything was far away. And, apparently, on a steep, mountainous incline. It was a sweaty day.
Lunch was supposed to be vegetarian, so I was expecting some salad and soup. Instead, I got a series of inedible seaweeds and pickles, a traditional "Zen" experience that made me long for ANYTHING I COULD EAT THAT WAS NOT THAT LUNCH.
The other Kyoto experience that made us miserable was the extra-special trip my friend and I had been told to make for ice cream. We schlepped for Mochi ice cream, allegedly served from this "special" ice cream place that has been handcrafting mochi for centuries. We were told that this was the ice cream of the ancients. We were told it would be delicious. They had only one flavor: Grass.
We knew it was grass-flavored because we were told what it was many times, and then, to make sure we knew we were ordering Grass Flavored Ice Cream, the man working brought out a special translator and typed in the word "Grass". We then, despite ANY COMMOM SENSE WE COULD HAVE USED, proceeded to order two GRASS FLAVORED ICE CREAMS and tried them outside. Guess what: THE ICE CREAM WAS MADE OF GRASS.
We got back to Tokyo yesterday and then ventured to Costume Karaoke. Tokyo has been awesomely fun, and, needless to say, Kyoto was a bit of a bust. Despite all the walking we did, we didn't make it to all the shrines we had set out to see.
Also, I hate to disappoint, but don't expect any magnets when I get back. Refrigerators aren't magnetized here, so magnets are seen as useless and thus, not anywhere. I'll still keep an eye out for those magnets-from-places-that-aren’t-home you love so much, so fingers crossed.
We're about to head out to some bar that gives everyone up-do's when they enter. I have pictures of everything - in fact, this is probably my most-well documented trip in terms of both emails and images, so I’ll make sure they’re on facebook later. Brace yourselves.
See you tomorrow afternoon!
Love,
Jackie
Kyoto is so full of ancient wonders, but, contrary to popular belief, they are not fun. I would more appropriately describe them as “far away from each other” and “hard to get to”.
Each shrine has given us a different glimpse of life in ancient Japan. We saw a Zen Rock Garden! Did you know that a rock garden consists of rocks? (I prefer rock menageries myself). The brochure for the rock garden told us it WOULD provoke philosophical thinking. I was sorely disappointed.
After the rock garden, we found the shopping mall! There, we had bubble tea and McDonalds. It was JUST like being at home!
Then my friend and I went on this forced march around Kyoto, stopping at the Imperial Palace, a shrine made entirely of gold, and some other places of less significance but equal mystique. Embracing our jet-lag, we woke up at 6:30 in the morning and got ready to adventure around the ancient city and see the old-timey ways of life people emailed us about and loved so much. Unfortunately, the city was much more spread out than we had planned for and it was 90 degrees all day. We walked 8 miles in 7 hours, and had the most disgusting lunch I have ever EVER had ever.
To clarify some of the circumstances, we were told, in an email from one of my friend’s friends, that we should "walk everywhere." Considering that everything is only a couple of inches away from each other on a map (and labeled in Japanese), how were we to assume that one shrine would be an hours worth of walking from the next? We couldn't. Everything was far away. And, apparently, on a steep, mountainous incline. It was a sweaty day.
Lunch was supposed to be vegetarian, so I was expecting some salad and soup. Instead, I got a series of inedible seaweeds and pickles, a traditional "Zen" experience that made me long for ANYTHING I COULD EAT THAT WAS NOT THAT LUNCH.
The other Kyoto experience that made us miserable was the extra-special trip my friend and I had been told to make for ice cream. We schlepped for Mochi ice cream, allegedly served from this "special" ice cream place that has been handcrafting mochi for centuries. We were told that this was the ice cream of the ancients. We were told it would be delicious. They had only one flavor: Grass.
We knew it was grass-flavored because we were told what it was many times, and then, to make sure we knew we were ordering Grass Flavored Ice Cream, the man working brought out a special translator and typed in the word "Grass". We then, despite ANY COMMOM SENSE WE COULD HAVE USED, proceeded to order two GRASS FLAVORED ICE CREAMS and tried them outside. Guess what: THE ICE CREAM WAS MADE OF GRASS.
We got back to Tokyo yesterday and then ventured to Costume Karaoke. Tokyo has been awesomely fun, and, needless to say, Kyoto was a bit of a bust. Despite all the walking we did, we didn't make it to all the shrines we had set out to see.
Also, I hate to disappoint, but don't expect any magnets when I get back. Refrigerators aren't magnetized here, so magnets are seen as useless and thus, not anywhere. I'll still keep an eye out for those magnets-from-places-that-aren’t-home you love so much, so fingers crossed.
We're about to head out to some bar that gives everyone up-do's when they enter. I have pictures of everything - in fact, this is probably my most-well documented trip in terms of both emails and images, so I’ll make sure they’re on facebook later. Brace yourselves.
See you tomorrow afternoon!
Love,
Jackie
I Went to Japan and Had Fun: Part 1
This blog and the next will consist of two emails I sent to my family from Japan. For those of you that only stalked my facebook photos, here’s your chance to stalk me in a new and exciting way.
Dear Loving Family,
I sure am tired! Upon our arrival, I was so relieved to find that bathrooms here aren’t just holes in the ground. Instead, toilets are extra luxurious with a seat-warmer function. Upon flushing, they play Beethoven’s 5th.
On Monday, we picked a random page in our guidebook and went to see some shrines. We saw some old cool stuff. We learned we can't read maps, but we're really good at navigating the labyrinthine subway system. We got home and watched The Hangover (which was awesome and in English) and collapsed.
Yesterday we woke up at 5:30am to go to the Tsujiki Fish Market, the largest fish market in the world. It's only open for auction from 5am to 10am, and though it was certainly "an experience", it was only an experience we could stand for about a half hour before we hopped on a train towards Tokyo Disney. My poor friend wore sandals to the fish market and left for home with a not-so-fresh feeling between her toes (you know, like herpes).
Overall, Tokyo Disney is similar to the Disneys we have in the US, with the exception of all the safety instructions being in Japanese. My friend made me go on a ride called "Big Beaver Canoe Ride", and I was forced to kayak on a banana boat with 15 other people around a small moat. It was less of a ride than it was exercise. At one point we passed a Native American display, and then the guide said something like "and we have two Native Americans on board with us right now!" We don't really know if he said that, (after all, he was speaking in Japanese) but the hoards of people looking at us and laughing clued us in to some sort of mean joke, even if that joke was merely referring to us as Native Americans.
I’m having a great time. So far, my favorite parts of the trip have been:
1. Watching The Hangover
2. Going to Disney
Both of which happen to be things I could have done back home. Oh well.
Tomorrow my friend and I venture to Kyoto, which is supposed to be full of ancient wonders and lots of fun!
Love,
Me
Dear Loving Family,
I sure am tired! Upon our arrival, I was so relieved to find that bathrooms here aren’t just holes in the ground. Instead, toilets are extra luxurious with a seat-warmer function. Upon flushing, they play Beethoven’s 5th.
On Monday, we picked a random page in our guidebook and went to see some shrines. We saw some old cool stuff. We learned we can't read maps, but we're really good at navigating the labyrinthine subway system. We got home and watched The Hangover (which was awesome and in English) and collapsed.
Yesterday we woke up at 5:30am to go to the Tsujiki Fish Market, the largest fish market in the world. It's only open for auction from 5am to 10am, and though it was certainly "an experience", it was only an experience we could stand for about a half hour before we hopped on a train towards Tokyo Disney. My poor friend wore sandals to the fish market and left for home with a not-so-fresh feeling between her toes (you know, like herpes).
Overall, Tokyo Disney is similar to the Disneys we have in the US, with the exception of all the safety instructions being in Japanese. My friend made me go on a ride called "Big Beaver Canoe Ride", and I was forced to kayak on a banana boat with 15 other people around a small moat. It was less of a ride than it was exercise. At one point we passed a Native American display, and then the guide said something like "and we have two Native Americans on board with us right now!" We don't really know if he said that, (after all, he was speaking in Japanese) but the hoards of people looking at us and laughing clued us in to some sort of mean joke, even if that joke was merely referring to us as Native Americans.
I’m having a great time. So far, my favorite parts of the trip have been:
1. Watching The Hangover
2. Going to Disney
Both of which happen to be things I could have done back home. Oh well.
Tomorrow my friend and I venture to Kyoto, which is supposed to be full of ancient wonders and lots of fun!
Love,
Me
Thursday, July 02, 2009
My 4th Apartment's 1st Cockroach
It’s late. I’m exhausted. BUT I CAN’T SLEEP BECAUSE I CAME HOME AND THERE WAS A COCKROACH IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CARPET.
Granted, it’s a nice carpet.
I’ve never torn my room apart/cleaned my room so quickly. After picking up every article of clothing from my floor with a bent hanger, I then quickly (with trusty vacuum and Windex at the ready) moved my bed away from the wall, and then moved it back against the wall when I was relieved/annoyed that the bug had officially gone missing.
When the cockroach came back out of it’s hiding spot, I winced, squealed, and THREW the vacuum at the bug, hoping it would just be sucked up. It wasn’t, and then it ran into my closet, which I now refer to as “Home Base”.
I phoned my mother who I knew would tell me to “just kill it”. I phoned my friend who also told me to kill it, but more specifically suggested that I throw a textbook. Instead, I threw the only hardcover in my reach entitled, most appropriately, Cringe. When that failed, I threw a book about the South Beach Diet. DOUBLE FAIL…and why do I own that?
After living in New York City for 6 years, one would think I’d be a lot better about the whole cockroach thing. I’m not. This bug, roughly the size of some sort of commemorative coin, brings out the crazy in me. I start talking to it, asking for it to politely leave and not nest in my living space. I get paranoid and my skin crawls for hours. There is no question that I will go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning with the lights still on.
Most shameful of all is that this cockroach has a severe handicap. I’m not talking about the layout of my room, or how condensed my clutter is so that it can’t slip through and hide. I’m seriously talking about how this particular cockroach is handicapped. It moves really slow and stops to look around a lot. It does not like Windex or hairspray being sprayed at it, or vacuums being thrown in its direction. It should be dead. Instead, it’s taking a nap in Home Base while I blog about it.
My last crazy roommate never believed me when I saw a cockroach. I would say “I think there’s a cockroach under the fridge” and she would say “there isn’t” and go back into her room. The second time I saw one, she accused me of making them up. But I wasn’t! These cockroaches were NON-FICTION.
At least, my current crazy roommate believed me. He said, “I don’t know what you want me to do”, when really, I wanted him to man up and kill the cockroach. I almost went down and got the doorman, but instead, I decided to just stay put and hope it dies on its own. It’s been sprayed with enough Windex and hairspray to both clean and style a coif fit for an 18th century president, or in the very least, Lady Gaga.
When I finally pass out tonight, I’ll dream of a virile and giant warrior with no fear of disgusting bugs. He will wait amongst my pumps and purses in Home Base for the critter to stumble upon his greatness. This warrior will not throw vacuums or spray hair products to try and kill the bug from a distance. No, he will use a textbook as per a prior suggestion from a non-dream world where logic and reason apply. And once the beast is booked, I'll sleep soundly, dreaming of rainbows and theme parks in my own home base called bed.
Granted, it’s a nice carpet.
I’ve never torn my room apart/cleaned my room so quickly. After picking up every article of clothing from my floor with a bent hanger, I then quickly (with trusty vacuum and Windex at the ready) moved my bed away from the wall, and then moved it back against the wall when I was relieved/annoyed that the bug had officially gone missing.
When the cockroach came back out of it’s hiding spot, I winced, squealed, and THREW the vacuum at the bug, hoping it would just be sucked up. It wasn’t, and then it ran into my closet, which I now refer to as “Home Base”.
I phoned my mother who I knew would tell me to “just kill it”. I phoned my friend who also told me to kill it, but more specifically suggested that I throw a textbook. Instead, I threw the only hardcover in my reach entitled, most appropriately, Cringe. When that failed, I threw a book about the South Beach Diet. DOUBLE FAIL…and why do I own that?
After living in New York City for 6 years, one would think I’d be a lot better about the whole cockroach thing. I’m not. This bug, roughly the size of some sort of commemorative coin, brings out the crazy in me. I start talking to it, asking for it to politely leave and not nest in my living space. I get paranoid and my skin crawls for hours. There is no question that I will go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning with the lights still on.
Most shameful of all is that this cockroach has a severe handicap. I’m not talking about the layout of my room, or how condensed my clutter is so that it can’t slip through and hide. I’m seriously talking about how this particular cockroach is handicapped. It moves really slow and stops to look around a lot. It does not like Windex or hairspray being sprayed at it, or vacuums being thrown in its direction. It should be dead. Instead, it’s taking a nap in Home Base while I blog about it.
My last crazy roommate never believed me when I saw a cockroach. I would say “I think there’s a cockroach under the fridge” and she would say “there isn’t” and go back into her room. The second time I saw one, she accused me of making them up. But I wasn’t! These cockroaches were NON-FICTION.
At least, my current crazy roommate believed me. He said, “I don’t know what you want me to do”, when really, I wanted him to man up and kill the cockroach. I almost went down and got the doorman, but instead, I decided to just stay put and hope it dies on its own. It’s been sprayed with enough Windex and hairspray to both clean and style a coif fit for an 18th century president, or in the very least, Lady Gaga.
When I finally pass out tonight, I’ll dream of a virile and giant warrior with no fear of disgusting bugs. He will wait amongst my pumps and purses in Home Base for the critter to stumble upon his greatness. This warrior will not throw vacuums or spray hair products to try and kill the bug from a distance. No, he will use a textbook as per a prior suggestion from a non-dream world where logic and reason apply. And once the beast is booked, I'll sleep soundly, dreaming of rainbows and theme parks in my own home base called bed.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Post-Traumatic Ex Syndrome
My friend is fabulous, awesome, and moving out of her apartment. As with any shift in space, she offered me some books she wouldn’t need in her new abode in addition to the 20th Century Edition of Trivial Pursuit. The box of books she handed over (or, really, her dreamy Polish doorman handed over) is about 25% readable and 75% “Barnes-and- Nobles-Recommended Reading After Getting Dumped” or “Barnes-and-Nobles-Employee Picks for Being a Mistress” or “Barnes-and-Nobles-Customer Favorites For Waking up One Morning Fully-Clothed, Locked Out of Your Own Bathroom With a Strange Yellow Stain in the Middle of the Carpet.” Some of these books are awesome, (and who knows if I’ll need/use the Trivial Pursuit), but the majority of the books boxed-over to me are clearly indicative of some sort ex-boy nervous breakdown…
6 Reasons Why I Think This:
1. Hell Hath No Fury: Women’s Letters from the End of the Affair
2. The Between Boyfriends Book
3. I just got Dumped and I’m Angry
4. Good Girls Gone Bad
5. Good In Bed
And
6. Memoirs of a Geisha
Some other favorites include Backaches: What Exercises to Do, and Self Made Man among a slew of books about being fabulous in NYC (The Devil Wears Prada, Simply Divine, NYC Zagat Survey 2004).
I know what you’re thinking: Maybe, instead of these books indicating her nervous breakdown, she handed these specific literary works to me because she thinks I’m a boy- crazy nutjob? I mean, she has subtly gifted about an eighth of any respectable Self-Help section, (though, of course, the Self-Help section is typically the least respectable section in a book store, even more so than Sci-Fi and that section of art-book-photos of naked people that could pass for soft-core). But this argument (the argument that I could possibly need man-advice) is obliterated with the gift of books entitled What Would Jackie Do? and Oxford Spanish Dictionary PLUS.
Also, before I need to worry about dealing with a breakup, I need to deal more with convincing someone to date me in the first place.
6 Reasons Why I Think This:
1. Hell Hath No Fury: Women’s Letters from the End of the Affair
2. The Between Boyfriends Book
3. I just got Dumped and I’m Angry
4. Good Girls Gone Bad
5. Good In Bed
And
6. Memoirs of a Geisha
Some other favorites include Backaches: What Exercises to Do, and Self Made Man among a slew of books about being fabulous in NYC (The Devil Wears Prada, Simply Divine, NYC Zagat Survey 2004).
I know what you’re thinking: Maybe, instead of these books indicating her nervous breakdown, she handed these specific literary works to me because she thinks I’m a boy- crazy nutjob? I mean, she has subtly gifted about an eighth of any respectable Self-Help section, (though, of course, the Self-Help section is typically the least respectable section in a book store, even more so than Sci-Fi and that section of art-book-photos of naked people that could pass for soft-core). But this argument (the argument that I could possibly need man-advice) is obliterated with the gift of books entitled What Would Jackie Do? and Oxford Spanish Dictionary PLUS.
Also, before I need to worry about dealing with a breakup, I need to deal more with convincing someone to date me in the first place.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Check out Heartbrokedaily.com
I wrote some tales of heartbreak for heartbrokedaily.com.
Check out the latest:
http://heartbrokedaily.com/2009/06/03/krissy-the-yogi/
I hope you enjoy!
Check out the latest:
http://heartbrokedaily.com/2009/06/03/krissy-the-yogi/
I hope you enjoy!
Sunday, March 08, 2009
When Sick, Go Crazy
I have a tendency to get sick and then flip out about it. I’ll shake my fist at the heavens as my other hand brings an aloe-laden tissue to my nose. I’ll shower three times a day to “steam my face” and make it easier to breathe. I’ll also try to come up with ANY home remedy to make myself feel better (I’ve even contemplated snorting Vicks).
When I had a little cold three weeks ago, I was annoyed. I ran to Walgreens and bought Vicks, liquid Nyquil, a buttload of fancy tissues, cough drops, airborn, and Vitamin C. I got better pretty quickly and lived off of hot Chicken Noodle Soup from the Stage Diner (a few blocks away, but a real schlep if you feel like you’re dying).
And now, only three weeks later, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SICK AGAIN! And because I got food poisoning last week (which I originally misspelled as “foot poisoning”), there is NO WAY that I will be able to take another sick day before my spring break.
SO here’s what I’m trying to get rid of this thing:
1. Airborne - It’s not the real kind, it’s the Trader Joe’s brand “Air Armor”, which I like because it reminds me of medieval warriors. Now imagine thousands of tiny medieval warriors fighting off viruses, creating an EPIC BATTLE SCENE that will certainly be better and more realistic than the late King Arthur movie starring Kiara Knightly.
2. Anti-Viral Tissues - New, From Kleenex! The box itself claims to kill 99.9% of cold and flu viruses, but it warns me not to use these tissues as “anything other than tissues”, because that will be considered breaking the law. They’re not one-ply, or two-ply, but THREE-PLY TISSUES. Can we say: luxury in a box?
Echinacea and Goldenseal Root - Trader Joes makes my vitamin C tablets, so I figured I’d try out there other jarred-pilled-goods?
Vitamin C Tablet - 500 mg once a day. BUT NOW IM SICK!?
Vicks Vapo-Rub - Still contemplating snorting it. I just figure it will be easier than smelling like it all day.
Hand Sanitizer - Maybe if I had used more of this regularly, I wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place.
“The KILLER” - A beverage from the Liquiteria including apple, lemon, ginger, Echinacea, asha, suma, indigo and goldenseal roots, zinc, and vitamin C. I expect massive Diarrhea.
“The ROYAL FLUSH” - Another beverage from the Liquiteria that has pineapple, pear, aloe, ginger, and liver-kidney detox which includes burdock, yellow dock, and Oregon grape roots, dendelion, red clover blossom, nettles, red root, and ginger. I expect even more Diarrhea from this. Looking at it, I’m actually afraid to try it.
In this process of getting healthy again, I’m learning that not only is getting sick expensive, it also creates a lot of garbage. Just think of all the dirty tissues that accumulate! I’m not even sure why we can fly to the moon, we can carve the faces of presidents in mountains and have things like iphones, but we can’t eradicate “the common cold” from the face of the earth.
And as for the anticipated bathroom runs, at least I’ll have one more excuse to watch Ratatouille over and over and over again.
When I had a little cold three weeks ago, I was annoyed. I ran to Walgreens and bought Vicks, liquid Nyquil, a buttload of fancy tissues, cough drops, airborn, and Vitamin C. I got better pretty quickly and lived off of hot Chicken Noodle Soup from the Stage Diner (a few blocks away, but a real schlep if you feel like you’re dying).
And now, only three weeks later, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SICK AGAIN! And because I got food poisoning last week (which I originally misspelled as “foot poisoning”), there is NO WAY that I will be able to take another sick day before my spring break.
SO here’s what I’m trying to get rid of this thing:
1. Airborne - It’s not the real kind, it’s the Trader Joe’s brand “Air Armor”, which I like because it reminds me of medieval warriors. Now imagine thousands of tiny medieval warriors fighting off viruses, creating an EPIC BATTLE SCENE that will certainly be better and more realistic than the late King Arthur movie starring Kiara Knightly.
2. Anti-Viral Tissues - New, From Kleenex! The box itself claims to kill 99.9% of cold and flu viruses, but it warns me not to use these tissues as “anything other than tissues”, because that will be considered breaking the law. They’re not one-ply, or two-ply, but THREE-PLY TISSUES. Can we say: luxury in a box?
Echinacea and Goldenseal Root - Trader Joes makes my vitamin C tablets, so I figured I’d try out there other jarred-pilled-goods?
Vitamin C Tablet - 500 mg once a day. BUT NOW IM SICK!?
Vicks Vapo-Rub - Still contemplating snorting it. I just figure it will be easier than smelling like it all day.
Hand Sanitizer - Maybe if I had used more of this regularly, I wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place.
“The KILLER” - A beverage from the Liquiteria including apple, lemon, ginger, Echinacea, asha, suma, indigo and goldenseal roots, zinc, and vitamin C. I expect massive Diarrhea.
“The ROYAL FLUSH” - Another beverage from the Liquiteria that has pineapple, pear, aloe, ginger, and liver-kidney detox which includes burdock, yellow dock, and Oregon grape roots, dendelion, red clover blossom, nettles, red root, and ginger. I expect even more Diarrhea from this. Looking at it, I’m actually afraid to try it.
In this process of getting healthy again, I’m learning that not only is getting sick expensive, it also creates a lot of garbage. Just think of all the dirty tissues that accumulate! I’m not even sure why we can fly to the moon, we can carve the faces of presidents in mountains and have things like iphones, but we can’t eradicate “the common cold” from the face of the earth.
And as for the anticipated bathroom runs, at least I’ll have one more excuse to watch Ratatouille over and over and over again.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Hormonal Play Review: Spring Awakening
What happens when adolescents review plays with nudity in them?
This: (And yes, I actually had to grade this)
The plot of Spring Awakening was about a couple who isn't suppose to have sex. However, the main character loses her virginity because she doesn't know what the definition of sex is. I do though.
One of the themes in the play was love. This was shown through a girl having her boobies kissed.
The tone of the play was both serious and romantic. The tone was serious because the lights were often dimmed, and also, the main female character dies trying to have an abortion. Romance is another tone because sexual action and touching can be seen.
When the girl's ghost is present, little lighting is present to indicate a depressed and sad mood. When the couple is having erotic sex, the lights are shining on them, to really make them stand out. This also shows that sex is the main focus for the scene.
My favorite scene was the sex scene because I was able to see a girl experience an orgasm. I also saw her topless.
The only "character transformation" I remember happening is the main character finally experiencing sex.
Spring Awakening was definitely worth attending (because I got to see a topless girl).
This: (And yes, I actually had to grade this)
The plot of Spring Awakening was about a couple who isn't suppose to have sex. However, the main character loses her virginity because she doesn't know what the definition of sex is. I do though.
One of the themes in the play was love. This was shown through a girl having her boobies kissed.
The tone of the play was both serious and romantic. The tone was serious because the lights were often dimmed, and also, the main female character dies trying to have an abortion. Romance is another tone because sexual action and touching can be seen.
When the girl's ghost is present, little lighting is present to indicate a depressed and sad mood. When the couple is having erotic sex, the lights are shining on them, to really make them stand out. This also shows that sex is the main focus for the scene.
My favorite scene was the sex scene because I was able to see a girl experience an orgasm. I also saw her topless.
The only "character transformation" I remember happening is the main character finally experiencing sex.
Spring Awakening was definitely worth attending (because I got to see a topless girl).
"It's Like a Fairytale From Baboonland"
One of my students wrote this when I was absent:
Door!
That dirty brown door appears intimidating like a troll. There are spiders everywhere. Mice crawl creepily near the door. Those demons enter their tunnels and don't come back.
(insert image of a door with the word Evil written across it).
When I bravely and courageously enter the door, I notice baboons with five arms. These animals appear busy, carrying various vegetables around. One of them really sticks out. He is shouting orders to the other baboons and is the only one speaking. I close my eyes and wake up as though everything was a dream.
Door!
That dirty brown door appears intimidating like a troll. There are spiders everywhere. Mice crawl creepily near the door. Those demons enter their tunnels and don't come back.
(insert image of a door with the word Evil written across it).
When I bravely and courageously enter the door, I notice baboons with five arms. These animals appear busy, carrying various vegetables around. One of them really sticks out. He is shouting orders to the other baboons and is the only one speaking. I close my eyes and wake up as though everything was a dream.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Dear Old Lady Hipster in Front of me at the Food Emporium, You Are SO Old
I mean, you must be at LEAST 29. You probably think you knock a few years off your appearance dressing yourself entirely in the clearance section of Urban Outfitters. Your oversized pork pie hat, gigantic cloud-blue unflattering winter coat, and leggings only conceal the true emptiness of your soul.
Stop turning around and judging me for my purchase of Reduced-Fat Oreos and Low-Fat Milk, okay?! I know what you’re thinking: “so bourgeois and pedestrian. How gauche! I could make those Oreo cookies with my vegan Nabisco recipe book in my East Williamsburg apartment’s kitchen, (advertised, appropriately, to me as a ‘chef’s dream’).” Well, just because you look like The Strokes Cover Band, Reptilia's, wet dream, doesn't mean your cool, okay? "East Williamsburg" is really "Bushwick," and no one likes vegan food except vegans, and EVERYONE KNOWS THAT CHEFS HAVE NO DREAMS. Unless they dream to be on Top Chef, but I would say that qualifies as more of an “aspiration”.
So get over it Nosy Nellie (if that is your real name). Besides, what are YOU buying? An onion? ONLY ONE ONION?! I don’t understand! Are you planning on eating that onion by itself? Where were you and what was happening when you realized you need only one medium-sized onion? Were you in the middle of cooking something vegan when you realized you needed an onion? Don’t they have onions in Bushwick? Maybe not: one more reason I don’t live in “Suckwick” (that was my creative take on “Bushwick”, I thought it was better than “Suck Williamsburg”, with the “Suck” replacing the word “East”). I bet they don’t have Food Emporiums out in East Williamsuck, because supermarkets with creative jingles won’t be found in neighborhoods lacking one thing the jingle indicates: Class.
So go home to BushSuck (ANOTHER creative take on your very much-hypothesized place of living. I know what you’re thinking: ZING!). I’ll be cozying up in my apartment on University Place, a place where I don’t feel like I fit in, mostly because I don’t attend the university anymore, but WHATEVER. Stop following me home by walking in front of me the whole time! I hope your onionbreath fights off the demons keeping you trapped in the garb of a 19-year-old, trapped in the university dorm on University Place, right next door.
Stop turning around and judging me for my purchase of Reduced-Fat Oreos and Low-Fat Milk, okay?! I know what you’re thinking: “so bourgeois and pedestrian. How gauche! I could make those Oreo cookies with my vegan Nabisco recipe book in my East Williamsburg apartment’s kitchen, (advertised, appropriately, to me as a ‘chef’s dream’).” Well, just because you look like The Strokes Cover Band, Reptilia's, wet dream, doesn't mean your cool, okay? "East Williamsburg" is really "Bushwick," and no one likes vegan food except vegans, and EVERYONE KNOWS THAT CHEFS HAVE NO DREAMS. Unless they dream to be on Top Chef, but I would say that qualifies as more of an “aspiration”.
So get over it Nosy Nellie (if that is your real name). Besides, what are YOU buying? An onion? ONLY ONE ONION?! I don’t understand! Are you planning on eating that onion by itself? Where were you and what was happening when you realized you need only one medium-sized onion? Were you in the middle of cooking something vegan when you realized you needed an onion? Don’t they have onions in Bushwick? Maybe not: one more reason I don’t live in “Suckwick” (that was my creative take on “Bushwick”, I thought it was better than “Suck Williamsburg”, with the “Suck” replacing the word “East”). I bet they don’t have Food Emporiums out in East Williamsuck, because supermarkets with creative jingles won’t be found in neighborhoods lacking one thing the jingle indicates: Class.
So go home to BushSuck (ANOTHER creative take on your very much-hypothesized place of living. I know what you’re thinking: ZING!). I’ll be cozying up in my apartment on University Place, a place where I don’t feel like I fit in, mostly because I don’t attend the university anymore, but WHATEVER. Stop following me home by walking in front of me the whole time! I hope your onionbreath fights off the demons keeping you trapped in the garb of a 19-year-old, trapped in the university dorm on University Place, right next door.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Indecent Haiku
My friend started a website with Haiku that is Indecent. He calls it, Indecent Haiku.
Check out my latest post: http://indecenthaiku.com/2008/12/aging/
It's perfect for the holidays.
Merry Christmas!
Jackie
Check out my latest post: http://indecenthaiku.com/2008/12/aging/
It's perfect for the holidays.
Merry Christmas!
Jackie
Monday, December 22, 2008
See Me on MTV
Ladies and Gents,
This week if you're watching MTV, keep an eye out for me during the commercials and you may catch a glimpse of me talking about how I would make the world a better place. In addition to what I say on TV, I also hope to rid the world of ANY pants with pleats and those terrible terrible CROCS (the gardening shoes, not the animal).
Yes, yes, I've already rewarded myself for these 9 seconds of fame with some sushi from the Space Market...and boy do those spicy crab rolls taste like success!
In addition to taking a minute out of your day to watch a video featuring me, you may also want to take an extra 15 seconds out of your day to watch ANOTHER VIDEO featuring me. Or just click that link a few times for fun! This holiday season, I wanted to make sure I gave you all a gift that keeps on giving.
In any case, thank you all for being supportive of me in another small stride as an amateur performer. If these two videos don't quell you're need to see me be ridiculous, come check out my performance at the UCB on January 15th next month. There will be Russian accents, Reagan t-shirts, and a new breakout ad campaign about how Haagan Daaz now has Paninis (FINALLY!).
Thank you all again, and have some great holidays!!
Jackie
This week if you're watching MTV, keep an eye out for me during the commercials and you may catch a glimpse of me talking about how I would make the world a better place. In addition to what I say on TV, I also hope to rid the world of ANY pants with pleats and those terrible terrible CROCS (the gardening shoes, not the animal).
Yes, yes, I've already rewarded myself for these 9 seconds of fame with some sushi from the Space Market...and boy do those spicy crab rolls taste like success!
In addition to taking a minute out of your day to watch a video featuring me, you may also want to take an extra 15 seconds out of your day to watch ANOTHER VIDEO featuring me. Or just click that link a few times for fun! This holiday season, I wanted to make sure I gave you all a gift that keeps on giving.
In any case, thank you all for being supportive of me in another small stride as an amateur performer. If these two videos don't quell you're need to see me be ridiculous, come check out my performance at the UCB on January 15th next month. There will be Russian accents, Reagan t-shirts, and a new breakout ad campaign about how Haagan Daaz now has Paninis (FINALLY!).
Thank you all again, and have some great holidays!!
Jackie
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