Christmas Borscht

This is the story of Christmas Borscht and how gross it is.

At the ripe age of 24, I have the same diet as an 80-year-old Ukrainian woman.

Lunch = Lentil soup.
Dinner = Borscht.
Snacks = Children.

For those of you that don’t know, Borscht is a beet-based soup that makes your poop magenta. I frequent a place called Veselka in the east village and order a cup of Vegetarian Borscht several times a week– it’s brothy, has a lot of vegetables, and, in my opinion, is super delicious.

Today when I stopped by Veselka and asked for the usual, they said “We don’t have Vegetarian Borscht, we only have “Christmas Borscht”, which is also vegetarian.” How far could a vegetarian borscht be from Vegetarian Borscht? Very far. Very. Very. Far.

Being Jewish, I should have been wary of eating “Christmas” anything. Christmas Carols. Christmas Trees. Christmas Cheer. All have the ability to disgust or crush me.

“Christmas Borscht” takes normal borscht to new levels. It is hilarious to say out loud. It implies reindeer and presents are involved. It is disappointing on all accounts.

From the moment I opened the container, I knew it was all wrong. There was the sent of an added spice that was a total curveball to my borscht experience. A gross curveball. Like, a curveball that smelled like ass. It was only downhill from there.

When I put my spoon in to brave the Christmas Borscht, there were no vegetables. There were only what could be described as “dumplings”, but instead of dumplings, they were really more like oversized tortellini that were stained pink on the outside, and totally black and mushy in the middle. I assumed I was eating mushrooms, but a part of me knows that’s wishful thinking.

I couldn’t finish it. I mean, you should have seen it. Smelled it. It’s been an hour since I tried to down it. Three pieces of gum later, and I still taste it. A part of me wants nothing to do with beets ever again.

I realize that eating, liking, and craving beet-soup is pretty weird, but Christmas Borscht isn’t helping. Christmas Borscht is giving normal borscht a bad name, and I think we should ban together and protest. Think of the other holidays and the tainted borscht experiences they’ll provide…and how each one will be a mystery meal.