I Would Have Done More Reading in College if My Textbooks had Bigger Print and More Pictures

I'm just kidding, I learned a lot in school.
Though nothing distracts from learning better than big and little Rhinos!
Eep!

Spice Girls Miss Being Famous: Reuniting for World Tour

In 7th grade, it seemed that the day hell froze would be the day the Spice Girls (All of them, including "Ginger") would get back together. Ladies and Gentlemen, that day has come.

Don't believe me? Click Here for Proof

Now that I'm not in middle school, I won't feel so embarrassed to "spice up my life" and "say I'll be there" when they perform in NYC this December.

No, wait. I'm still embarrassed.

As long as we're talking about adolescent memories, click here to see an old classic with a new twist.

MOVIE REVIEW FUN: Superbad

The past few decades have been graced with high school coming-of-age movies like American Pie, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and The Breakfast Club. This summer welcome Superbad to the American Adolescent Debauchery Canon from the guys that brought you Knocked Up. The film features a cast of run-of-the-mill dweebs finding themselves in spectacular situations. It's the Dude Where's My Car of the new millennium, only a lot better, and less bad.

Not-so-cool-dudes Evan(Michael Cera), Seth(Jonah Hill), and Fogell(Christopher Mintze-Plasse) are totally stoked when they're invited to a party by an out-of-their-league-girl, but her expectations for them to bring the booze proove too high with their friend's new, shoddy, fake ID saying he's a 25 year-old Hawaiian with a one-name moniker, "McLovin". Things go awry in during the most honest of illegal-alcohol-purchase-performances, and we're introduced to two quirky/lazy police officers (played by Seth Rogan and SNL's Bill Hader). Charmed by McLovin's ability to hold his own, these two representatives of suburban law enforcement convince Fogell/McLovin to spend a large chunk of his evening running red lights, shooting guns, and drinking beer.

But while Fogell is playing games with cops, Seth and Evan are whisked to a party where they're forced to dance, forced to sing, and when our two favorite cops break up the place, they're forced to run to the fiesta of their initial intent: the one with the drunk girls that will
(hopefully) put any pocketed condoms and spermicidal lube to use. We've all been there, right?

It's the honesty of the cast that brings to life the quirky and
ultimately familiar humor in the script. In response to a girl's drunk exclamation that "she's so wet" a chagrined and intoxicated Evan replies "I learned that would happen in Health Class." Evan's straight-faced rambling character is certainly reminiscent of Michael Cera's former role on Arrested Development as "George Michael", and Fogell is brought to life in a breakout performance by Christopher Mintze-Plasse. Whereas films like Napoleon Dynamite and American Pie have launched gaggles of no-name-actors' careers, Superbad will do the
same.

We're taken by these characters because, in so many ways, a lot of us in our high-school-days were these characters. No one wanted to sit alone at the lunch table, bake a cake without a partner in homeconomics, or be constantly reminded of a most-embarrassing-elementary -school-moment. I'm sure we all questioned the necessity of our required elective courses, and/or the point of going to class when struck with a bad case of senioritis. Most
importantly, we all feared the big life-change of college transition, the new distances between close friends, and the thought of living with strangers. High School coming-of age-movies speak a language embedded with wafts of chalk and long-lost memories, or slice-of-life problems that today's teenagers want to see worked out. More reason as to why this movie is awesome.

Superbad is a high school movie without cheerleaders, band-campers, jocks, punks, mean girls, talent shows and drama geeks. In other movies, these social stereotypes are made out to be cliques of monsters, making high school a scary and worrisome place for a new student to try and fit in, or for a group of kids in detention pretending to get along. Though Superbad certainly tips its hat to other films in the American Adolescent Debauchery Canon, it's a lot of fun, a lot of good, and a lot things we'd never expect from a high school comedy. There's still the sex, raunch, vulgar language, and underage boozing, but nothing too bold or offensive. Superbad is "supergood" in its embrace of the "average" high schooler and, in a sense, it's audience.

Happy Summer!

Summers in NYC mean…

1. My neighbors leave their windows open and blast New Age music. And sing along.
2. I close my windows and sit comfortably in air conditioning.
3. Children are out of school.
4. Children are playing outside my apartment.(I know this because SCREAMING LOUDLY = HAVING FUN!)
5. Fewer Naps.

This is like a logic proof. IF there are children screaming loudly in close proximity THEN they are having fun. I sleep less during the day. THEREFORE (the dotted triangle) I sleep less during the day WHEN children are having fun by the Law Of Disjunctive Inference or "LODI."

6. HUMIDITY HUMIDITY HUMIDITY.
7. Wearing sandals!
8. Regretting wearing sandals.
9. Skimpy clothes.
10. Feeling fat.
11. Flavored ice.
12. Roof parties.
13. Roof “accidents.”
14. Jump in sales for roof-fence-makers.
15. Blockbuster sequels.
16. National Increase in pirate jokes and Johnny Depp magazine covers.
17. Fruit Flies.
18. Traveling.
19. Subways Smell Worse.
20. Splurging cabs more often.
21. A new gym membership.

If you have anything else you’d like me to add to this list, let me know!

Absinthe is Now Legal in NYC

If you don't believe me, read about it here and here.

Think About Public Transportation All the Time, Even When You Don’t Need to go Anywhere and/or have your own car/bus/van/plane/Giant Carrier Pigeon

Not Obsessed with NYC Transit? Here’s Your Chance!

That’s right. Coming soon to your Ipod: Podcasts about subways and buses! This podcast, called “Transit Trax,” will feature the latest in NYC Subway news, including, but not limited to, service changes, weekly construction hot-spots, Metrocard specials, and who jumped. Intrigued? You bet.

No longer will Willams-bergers be able to say, “The L train is broken again. If only I had a Podcast that told me to expect these things!” Fear not hipsters and hipstresses, NYC is trying to make it as easy as possible to get this info in advance, (even though the L train is ALWAYS broken, and you should know that.)

But where can you learn about these magical tips and tools? The new TVs installed on the latest RI60 trains. For those of you that don’t know what the RI60 trains are, they look like every other train, only these have TVs in them. They were nothing too spectacular, just beautiful shiny screens with the usual subway jargon: “If you see something, say something” or “Don’t Run Down the Stairs” and, of course, “Look at how cool this N train is!”

Maybe this is old news and I’ve just been taking the wrong trains for the past few months. These videos of the new trains found on Youtube seem to think so.

I suppose it’s only a matter of time before more of these TVs show up, maybe even with sound and more advertisements. Maybe these new silent screens will revitalize the magic of silent movies, resurrecting a lost medium and leaving many New Yorkers cursing the inherent distraction of a moving image in a moving subway (a pick-pockets paradise). Surveys will record a record-breaking jump in the number of missed stops by passengers. Or maybe they’ll just continue to silently say, “If you see something, say something” and no one will really care all that much.

So now you can listen to podcasted news about NYC transit while you’re riding NYC Transit watching news about New York City Transit, in the hopes to eradicate poor travel decisions you'll be wishing you never made.

So let’s let public transportation consume our lives.

Next Stop? Wifi.

A Letter to Coca-Cola

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to compliment you on your product “Coca-Cola.” I also enjoy your product “Diet Coke.” If I could only drink “Coca-Cola” products, I would. I also drink a lot of tap water.

I love your soft drinks more than anything else on the market. Here are a few examples of this:

1. Everytime I ask for “Diet Coke” at a restaurant and a waiter says, “Is ‘Diet Pepsi’ okay?” I say “No.” Then I drink tap water.
2. I only have “Diet Coke” in my fridge.

This past year I was really upset when NYU banned your soft drinks from campus. I was like “Why am I paying you 30 grand a year to NOT drink what I like?” I know that the deliciousness of your product would not be the same without the cheap labor they were talking so much about. I just graduated though, so screw them, right?

Also, your commercials are the least annoying of all the soft drink ads they play in the movie theater. I do have to admit that those Fanta commercials are pretty catchy, though. And disorienting.

Anyway, I commend you on the consistent quality of your product “Coca-Cola.” (Your drink, “Diet Coke,” is also really good). I hope that you continue to make “Coca-Cola” so this way, I can continue to drink it.

Thanks, and keep up the good work!

Spirit Animal, Remove My Hangover

I have a Shaman acquaintance. Today, I also have a hangover. I guess my acquaintance is really a Shaman-in-training-acquaintance that I get to see maybe once every two years. His friend, (also a Shaman) is the one that got my acquaintance friend into it, and I think his existence merits a TV show.

Here’s the Pitch:
“Isaac the Red-Haired Shaman” would fit in perfect on NBC’s Wednesday evenings. It can be placed right in between two shows that are better, forcing people to watch it. Isaac, is in fact, a red-haired Shaman. He wears tree branches wrapped around his clothes (he really did this in person), he holds crystals to his forehead to remove headaches and other ailments (this was really done too) and he is a self-proclaimed Shaman. And his hair is dyed red (Way to be “one with nature” Isaac).

Script Exerpt:
FRIEND:
Hey Isaac, what are you doing today?

(Isaac is sitting and reading, he is wrapped in tree branches.)

ISAAC:
Shamanism.

NARRATOR:
Next week on “Isaac the Red-Haired Shaman”….

(ISAAC and FRIEND are in a subway car. They are holding crystals to their foreheads.)

FRIEND:
Spirit Animal, remove my hangover. (He waits a few seconds) It’s not working!

ISAAC:
Let me try. (takes Crystal from FRIEND). Spirit Animal, remove my
hangover! (Waits a few seconds and stops to look at the Crystal). Hmm, must be
broken.

Home-Ec Project of the Future

Robot Babies Soon to Outsource Cradled Eggs
For a Good Time, Click Above

Despite the Lack of Fruit In My Apartment There Are Fruit Flies

New York City wildlife always irks me a little. Though minimal, it more often than not takes the form of vermin – ants, rats, roaches, fruit flies, roommates, etc. I’ve been fortunate to have few run-ins with these pests thanks to bi-weekly floor bleaches and compulsive dishwashing. I don’t know what these fruit flies are after, but I’d imagine they would have realized by now there is no fruit in my apartment. Or, there is, but it’s in the fridge and, well , out of their reach.

Insured for the next four months, I was supposed to go take advantage of some sort of free gym membership Oxford offers. Instead I’m sitting by my sunny window (not too sunny) with a cool glass of water (not too cool) with my super charged computer (only about halfway).

There are so many things I enjoy doing that I could be doing right now. In fact, an adventure to Coney Island crossed my mind, considering that I’ve never been and it’s rumored to close soon. Instead I’ll be booking dentist appointments, tickets to Tokyo, and finishing a stuttery monologue for some sort of showcase. A-typical afternoon?

Launch - Blog 2007

I am bored.

I could have gone to the stand up comedy show around the corner from my place, but no. It’s much more fun to get drunk by yourself and write about it.

“Starting a blog” sounds like a great title to a song in a musical. It’s also what I’m doing. This kind of reminds me of when, in high school, people used to post their feelings on Xanga.

Now everyone I know posts their feelings on facebook. But really, the only way to appear cool on facebook is to not use your account at all and just let other people post pictures of you, write on your wall, and essentially write about your feelings for you. “Hey, we had a great time last night” or “You sure look like you’re having fun in this picture” or “Hope you feel better about that dead thing.” Everyone knows what you’re feeling and you didn’t even have to say anything about it. Slick. Real Slick.

But I am not cool, because I use my Facebook account everyday.

So now I have a blog. It’s in response to various emails about why I didn’t have one and felt it necessary to email people long-winded thoughts I had about things they may not have otherwise cared about. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is my first solo step into cyberspace. Sort of.