This Shirt is Dry Clean Only

That means it's dirty.

Brains are Like Potato Chips

You Can't Eat Just One.

I Just Got Business Cards for all That Business I Don't Have

Alternate Title: I Just Got Business Cards and I Feel Pretty Awesome About Them

Despite my new found love for small pieces of paper with my name on them, I think, as with anything, there's always room for improvement in the Business Card Industry. Especially when those business cards are MINE.

I wish my business cards were edible, or, in the very least, lickable. I mean, people are way more likely to use something they keep in their mouths. Example: I use my tongue all the time. Also, I'm pretty sure I use my teeth on a daily basis (also found in the mouth).

Case and point: not enough things are open to the confines of my mouth-hole, something I would like to see more of in the Business Card Industry.

Upon further reflection, "edible" may not be so good. People would get my card, but then lose all pertinent information if they found themselves hungry in the tummy. Then again, it's like an offering of more than my just contact info. It's almost like I'm saying "let me take you out to lunch", but a lot cheaper, and not involving taking anyone out for anything.

Business Cards: Put a piece of edible paper with your name on it somewhere in someone's digestive tract.

Also, if people are going to lose my business card anyway, they may as well eat it. "Oh yeah, that business card I ate. That belonged to Jackie Silvestri." We're talking lasting impressions.

Then, of course, there's the fear of someone choking on my card. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. That's a risk for progress.

All in all, I think the edible/lickable card thing is the wave of the future, leaving people with a zesty aftertaste of me.

It's "Wintery Mixing" Outside: A Poem

I came home from work
And I needed a nap.
So I napped.

I woke up from my nap
and needed to eat.
So I ate.

I finished eating
And decided I’d like some wine.
But I didn’t have any.

I finished eating
And in addition to some wine I also needed a bubble bath.
But I didn’t have any bubbles.
And I felt really gross after napping,
which is so typical.

I could have, of course,
Always taken a bath without bubbles…
But not before I retrieved some wine,
Because it was snowing,
And going into the cold with a wet head is
Not Smart.

But I could, of course
Have Gotten some Wine AND Bubbles
And then be set
To enjoy them both
At the same time?!

I went for some bubbles
And bubbly wine
And got mugged on the way.

That Sucked.

Halloween Attracts more Fratboy Douchbags to the East Village

Last night, Halloween 2007, featured downtown New York’s 34th annual Halloween parade, filling the village with drunks, frat boys, and drunk fratboys.

In my old age I’ve failed to get into the Halloween spirit. I haven’t had much of a costume since I was the Mad Hatter my senior year of High School, and even that just involved wearing a hat. The next few Halloweens are all a blur, culminating last year when I threw on a fur coat and called myself a squirrel. When it comes to Halloween, I like to get out of the Village and head to Lazytown: Population, Me.

This year I was lazy enough not to even TRY to have a costume, so I should have been more impressed by all the girls who put so much effort into wearing so little. But I wasn’t. So my investment banker friends and I traipsed through the village trying to find the best place to go, pointing at people, staring, and doing all those things you’re told not to do when you’re young.

If there’s anything New Yorkers don’t need an excuse to do, it’s drink. For some reason, Halloween has become this kind of surrogate St. Patrick’s day, and St. Patrick’s day is just a more extravagant East Village Saturday, only everyone wears green. Halloween, however, demands everyone be in costume. It’s also a little like the only other holiday that I know involves costumes, Purim.

I was surprised to see that even at 1:00am on a WEDNESDAY night there were still tons of people out drinking. I can’t believe all of those people called in sick to work the next day. I was even witness to a crime, involving one man chasing another man through the streets screaming “Police! Stop that guy! He’s got my shit!” The crowds were horrible, the traffic worse, and the foot-traffic easily reminiscent of Times Square. Despite all this, I think I’d end up traveling to village on Halloween if I didn’t already live there, so I should just stop complaining.