When Sick, Go Crazy

I have a tendency to get sick and then flip out about it. I’ll shake my fist at the heavens as my other hand brings an aloe-laden tissue to my nose. I’ll shower three times a day to “steam my face” and make it easier to breathe. I’ll also try to come up with ANY home remedy to make myself feel better (I’ve even contemplated snorting Vicks).

When I had a little cold three weeks ago, I was annoyed. I ran to Walgreens and bought Vicks, liquid Nyquil, a buttload of fancy tissues, cough drops, airborn, and Vitamin C. I got better pretty quickly and lived off of hot Chicken Noodle Soup from the Stage Diner (a few blocks away, but a real schlep if you feel like you’re dying).

And now, only three weeks later, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SICK AGAIN! And because I got food poisoning last week (which I originally misspelled as “foot poisoning”), there is NO WAY that I will be able to take another sick day before my spring break.

SO here’s what I’m trying to get rid of this thing:

1. Airborne - It’s not the real kind, it’s the Trader Joe’s brand “Air Armor”, which I like because it reminds me of medieval warriors. Now imagine thousands of tiny medieval warriors fighting off viruses, creating an EPIC BATTLE SCENE that will certainly be better and more realistic than the late King Arthur movie starring Kiara Knightly.

2. Anti-Viral Tissues - New, From Kleenex! The box itself claims to kill 99.9% of cold and flu viruses, but it warns me not to use these tissues as “anything other than tissues”, because that will be considered breaking the law. They’re not one-ply, or two-ply, but THREE-PLY TISSUES. Can we say: luxury in a box?

Echinacea and Goldenseal Root - Trader Joes makes my vitamin C tablets, so I figured I’d try out there other jarred-pilled-goods?

Vitamin C Tablet - 500 mg once a day. BUT NOW IM SICK!?

Vicks Vapo-Rub - Still contemplating snorting it. I just figure it will be easier than smelling like it all day.

Hand Sanitizer - Maybe if I had used more of this regularly, I wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place.

“The KILLER” - A beverage from the Liquiteria including apple, lemon, ginger, Echinacea, asha, suma, indigo and goldenseal roots, zinc, and vitamin C. I expect massive Diarrhea.

“The ROYAL FLUSH” - Another beverage from the Liquiteria that has pineapple, pear, aloe, ginger, and liver-kidney detox which includes burdock, yellow dock, and Oregon grape roots, dendelion, red clover blossom, nettles, red root, and ginger. I expect even more Diarrhea from this. Looking at it, I’m actually afraid to try it.

In this process of getting healthy again, I’m learning that not only is getting sick expensive, it also creates a lot of garbage. Just think of all the dirty tissues that accumulate! I’m not even sure why we can fly to the moon, we can carve the faces of presidents in mountains and have things like iphones, but we can’t eradicate “the common cold” from the face of the earth.

And as for the anticipated bathroom runs, at least I’ll have one more excuse to watch Ratatouille over and over and over again.