Nothing Beats Mallomars: Part I

(Character A enters holding a box of "Mallomars" cookies, with the "mars" part clearly crossed off and the word "jews" written/taped over it. The box should say "Mallowjews.")

A: Tis the season for everyone's favorite kosher cookie!
(Character B reaches for a cookie, Character C hesitates)
C: Wait, what's Kosher mean again?
B: It means that these cookies don't have meat and cheese in them.
(Character C looks confused, grabs a cookie and studies it)
C: So they're not like those bacon cookies we had last week?
A: No, those were kosher because they didn't have any cheese in them. They only had bacon.
B: And I don't know if those were "bacon cookies" or if it was just "bacon" you were eating.
C: Well, looks like I'm going to be really rich for inventing the Bacon Cookie.
A: What will you call them?
C: Probably something like "Bacon Cookies."
B: Yeah, anythings better than my cookie name, "Mallowjews."
C: At least they're both kosher.

New Baseball Bat Law!

As of September 2007, the New York City Council has enacted a law banning the use of non-wood bats.*

The Council declared that the use of non-wood bats poses an unacceptable risk of injury to children, particularly those who play competitive high school baseball.

Specifics of the Law:
• Who: Public or Private High School students ages 13-18 who play competitive baseball for their school team.
• What: A competitive baseball game means an organized game at which a certified umpire officiates in NYC.

* "Wood bat" means any baseball bat constructed exclusively of wood or any wood laminated or wood composite which is approved by major league baseball.

LESSON LEARNED: Wood bats hurt less when you hit people with them.

My dad keeps recommending the "JSD Band" from the 70's.

I keep recommending ponies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKTSWgCKCnM

How I Hope to Meet Zach Braff and Why He and Rachel Would Be Best Best Friends

I was watching Scrubs when I envisioned this Scenario. I apologize in advance for the language.

The Scene:
We are sitting in Central Park, waiting for NYC's Summerstaged Romeo and Juliet to begin. JACKIE took too long at the gym and ran late to the performance, sweaty, smelly, hungry, and irate. RACHEL is really excited to be there, and annoyed for my incompetence. ZACH BRAFF, totally incognito, sits on the other side of me probably with a friend or something on the other side of him.

RACHEL: Glad you made it.

JACKIE: (looking strait ahead) Me too.

RACHEL: Are you okay?

JACKIE: (still looking straight ahead) Yeah.

RACHEL: You seem kind of pissed.

JACKIE: What do you want, Rachel? I'm hot and I'm hungry and I probably smell like sweat and vomit from the gym, and Zach Braff is sitting next to me.

(ZACH BRAFF turns and looks in confused acknowledgment)

JACKIE: (to ZACH BRAFF) Garden State sucked.

ZACH BRAFF: Nuh-uh.

JACKIE: Did it even have a point?

ZACH BRAFF: Yeah, it -

JACKIE: Shut the fuck up.

ZACH BRAFF stops and is angry. There is a silence and everyone looks straight ahead.

ZACH BRAFF - You from Long Island or something?

JACKIE: Will you watch the fucking Shakespeare?

RACHEL: Yeah, Juliet just drank some poison and Romeo thinks she's dead and I want to know what happens.

JACKIE: Yeah.

ZACH BRAFF: Sorry.

JACKIE: Sorry won't put those two hours of valuable independent film watching time back in my hand, okay?

RACHEL: Dude, you're totally yelling at Zach Braff.

JACKIE: You're right. (To ZB) Sorry.

RACHEL: You think the gift of time would go in your hand?

JACKIE: Where else would it go?

(RACHEL Shrugs. ZB Shakes his head in disbelief with his friend sitting next to him. JACKIE screams at the stage.)

Jackie: No Juliet, put the dagger down! (She winces)

ZACH BRAFF: I understand why you smell like sweat...but why also vomit?

JACKIE: Shut it, Jersey Boy.

RACHEL: He's also a Northwestern Alum.

ZACH BRAFF:(to rachel) Oh, you go to Northwestern?

RACHEL: (excited/interested) Yeah, I hear you're also Jewish...

(conversation between RACHEL and ZACH BRAFF ensues briefly as all three are escorted from the theatre for being to loud.)

Fun With Letters!

What's up with silent K? Who thought that would be a good idea? Knew? Try Ka-new. Which sounds like that boat, Canoe. That's write K, C wins this time. I mean, if we're going to add K's to everything, we mustn't discriminate. Along the lines of "knew," let's try "think." Ka-think? That's ka-right k-adder. K's everywhere! Keverywhere? Ka-genius!