That Ridiculous Scavenger Hunt I Went on That I Forgot to Write About

At 9:00am in early September, classes hadn’t officially started for the students of the school at which I’m working. However, on this day in early September, the entire sophomore class was dragged to school to compete with each other in a half-day scavenger hunt, free to run free in NYC with only me and one other English Teacher to "not lose them."

Unbeknownst to us as teachers, the students cared less about this daily activity than we did. They were far more interested in the fact that we were suddenly surrounded by Starbucks on every corner, and that they were out of dress code, and I think they pitied the dorks in red hats and khaki shorts that enthusiastically handed us our assignments.

The scavenger hunt proved to be more ridiculous than we had anticipated. The “main idea” or the “real motivation” for our students to schlep their tired selves around New York was this:
JOHN WILKES BOOTH WANTS TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO KILL ABRAHAM LINCOLN BEFORE HE BECOMES PRESIDENT. YOU, AS EXPERT SCAVENGERS, MUST FIND ALL THE CLUES TO STOP HIM.

Finding out that our mission was to stop some time-traveling dead guy made my unenthused tenth-graders even less enthused. We didn’t exactly race to stop him, as much as we sulked, complained, and in the true vein of Wilkes Booth himself, even cheated when we ran into another group that didn’t care either. I think Abraham Lincoln was turning in his grave from our apathy.

Eventually, after cheating (or “forming an alliance against Mr. Booth”) we finished “finding” all of the clues, all of which involved numbers in some way and ultimately gave us a phone number we had to call. When we called the number a message said:
THIS IS JOHN WILKES BOOTH, AND YOU’VE STOPPED ME FROM TRAVELING THROUGH TIME! Now go meet up with your friends near the NYU library.

But why would we listen to an assassin? I mean, we did and everything, but why would we?

So next to the NYU library we went. I was uncomfortable knowing that Mr. Booth was Mr. Aware of my Alma Mater. I mean, what if he looked me up in the NYU directory? Or even worse, on Facebook?

In the end, my team and another team got the top two highest scores, and there needed to be a tie-breaker question. The students were asked, “When is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday?” These poor private school kids don’t get a week off to celebrate this great leader’s day of birth, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when they guessed “4/20.”

In fact, the only reason we ended up winning was because the other team guessed “5/20” and we, though obscenely wrong, were the closer ones.

As far as I'm concerned, no one won. Not even John Wilkes Booth, (and HE has Time Traveling capabilities.)

Nothing Beats Mallomars: Part I

(Character A enters holding a box of "Mallomars" cookies, with the "mars" part clearly crossed off and the word "jews" written/taped over it. The box should say "Mallowjews.")

A: Tis the season for everyone's favorite kosher cookie!
(Character B reaches for a cookie, Character C hesitates)
C: Wait, what's Kosher mean again?
B: It means that these cookies don't have meat and cheese in them.
(Character C looks confused, grabs a cookie and studies it)
C: So they're not like those bacon cookies we had last week?
A: No, those were kosher because they didn't have any cheese in them. They only had bacon.
B: And I don't know if those were "bacon cookies" or if it was just "bacon" you were eating.
C: Well, looks like I'm going to be really rich for inventing the Bacon Cookie.
A: What will you call them?
C: Probably something like "Bacon Cookies."
B: Yeah, anythings better than my cookie name, "Mallowjews."
C: At least they're both kosher.

New Baseball Bat Law!

As of September 2007, the New York City Council has enacted a law banning the use of non-wood bats.*

The Council declared that the use of non-wood bats poses an unacceptable risk of injury to children, particularly those who play competitive high school baseball.

Specifics of the Law:
• Who: Public or Private High School students ages 13-18 who play competitive baseball for their school team.
• What: A competitive baseball game means an organized game at which a certified umpire officiates in NYC.

* "Wood bat" means any baseball bat constructed exclusively of wood or any wood laminated or wood composite which is approved by major league baseball.

LESSON LEARNED: Wood bats hurt less when you hit people with them.

My dad keeps recommending the "JSD Band" from the 70's.

I keep recommending ponies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKTSWgCKCnM

How I Hope to Meet Zach Braff and Why He and Rachel Would Be Best Best Friends

I was watching Scrubs when I envisioned this Scenario. I apologize in advance for the language.

The Scene:
We are sitting in Central Park, waiting for NYC's Summerstaged Romeo and Juliet to begin. JACKIE took too long at the gym and ran late to the performance, sweaty, smelly, hungry, and irate. RACHEL is really excited to be there, and annoyed for my incompetence. ZACH BRAFF, totally incognito, sits on the other side of me probably with a friend or something on the other side of him.

RACHEL: Glad you made it.

JACKIE: (looking strait ahead) Me too.

RACHEL: Are you okay?

JACKIE: (still looking straight ahead) Yeah.

RACHEL: You seem kind of pissed.

JACKIE: What do you want, Rachel? I'm hot and I'm hungry and I probably smell like sweat and vomit from the gym, and Zach Braff is sitting next to me.

(ZACH BRAFF turns and looks in confused acknowledgment)

JACKIE: (to ZACH BRAFF) Garden State sucked.

ZACH BRAFF: Nuh-uh.

JACKIE: Did it even have a point?

ZACH BRAFF: Yeah, it -

JACKIE: Shut the fuck up.

ZACH BRAFF stops and is angry. There is a silence and everyone looks straight ahead.

ZACH BRAFF - You from Long Island or something?

JACKIE: Will you watch the fucking Shakespeare?

RACHEL: Yeah, Juliet just drank some poison and Romeo thinks she's dead and I want to know what happens.

JACKIE: Yeah.

ZACH BRAFF: Sorry.

JACKIE: Sorry won't put those two hours of valuable independent film watching time back in my hand, okay?

RACHEL: Dude, you're totally yelling at Zach Braff.

JACKIE: You're right. (To ZB) Sorry.

RACHEL: You think the gift of time would go in your hand?

JACKIE: Where else would it go?

(RACHEL Shrugs. ZB Shakes his head in disbelief with his friend sitting next to him. JACKIE screams at the stage.)

Jackie: No Juliet, put the dagger down! (She winces)

ZACH BRAFF: I understand why you smell like sweat...but why also vomit?

JACKIE: Shut it, Jersey Boy.

RACHEL: He's also a Northwestern Alum.

ZACH BRAFF:(to rachel) Oh, you go to Northwestern?

RACHEL: (excited/interested) Yeah, I hear you're also Jewish...

(conversation between RACHEL and ZACH BRAFF ensues briefly as all three are escorted from the theatre for being to loud.)