When Sick, Go Crazy

I have a tendency to get sick and then flip out about it. I’ll shake my fist at the heavens as my other hand brings an aloe-laden tissue to my nose. I’ll shower three times a day to “steam my face” and make it easier to breathe. I’ll also try to come up with ANY home remedy to make myself feel better (I’ve even contemplated snorting Vicks).

When I had a little cold three weeks ago, I was annoyed. I ran to Walgreens and bought Vicks, liquid Nyquil, a buttload of fancy tissues, cough drops, airborn, and Vitamin C. I got better pretty quickly and lived off of hot Chicken Noodle Soup from the Stage Diner (a few blocks away, but a real schlep if you feel like you’re dying).

And now, only three weeks later, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SICK AGAIN! And because I got food poisoning last week (which I originally misspelled as “foot poisoning”), there is NO WAY that I will be able to take another sick day before my spring break.

SO here’s what I’m trying to get rid of this thing:

1. Airborne - It’s not the real kind, it’s the Trader Joe’s brand “Air Armor”, which I like because it reminds me of medieval warriors. Now imagine thousands of tiny medieval warriors fighting off viruses, creating an EPIC BATTLE SCENE that will certainly be better and more realistic than the late King Arthur movie starring Kiara Knightly.

2. Anti-Viral Tissues - New, From Kleenex! The box itself claims to kill 99.9% of cold and flu viruses, but it warns me not to use these tissues as “anything other than tissues”, because that will be considered breaking the law. They’re not one-ply, or two-ply, but THREE-PLY TISSUES. Can we say: luxury in a box?

Echinacea and Goldenseal Root - Trader Joes makes my vitamin C tablets, so I figured I’d try out there other jarred-pilled-goods?

Vitamin C Tablet - 500 mg once a day. BUT NOW IM SICK!?

Vicks Vapo-Rub - Still contemplating snorting it. I just figure it will be easier than smelling like it all day.

Hand Sanitizer - Maybe if I had used more of this regularly, I wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place.

“The KILLER” - A beverage from the Liquiteria including apple, lemon, ginger, Echinacea, asha, suma, indigo and goldenseal roots, zinc, and vitamin C. I expect massive Diarrhea.

“The ROYAL FLUSH” - Another beverage from the Liquiteria that has pineapple, pear, aloe, ginger, and liver-kidney detox which includes burdock, yellow dock, and Oregon grape roots, dendelion, red clover blossom, nettles, red root, and ginger. I expect even more Diarrhea from this. Looking at it, I’m actually afraid to try it.

In this process of getting healthy again, I’m learning that not only is getting sick expensive, it also creates a lot of garbage. Just think of all the dirty tissues that accumulate! I’m not even sure why we can fly to the moon, we can carve the faces of presidents in mountains and have things like iphones, but we can’t eradicate “the common cold” from the face of the earth.

And as for the anticipated bathroom runs, at least I’ll have one more excuse to watch Ratatouille over and over and over again.

Hormonal Play Review: Spring Awakening

What happens when adolescents review plays with nudity in them?

This: (And yes, I actually had to grade this)

The plot of Spring Awakening was about a couple who isn't suppose to have sex. However, the main character loses her virginity because she doesn't know what the definition of sex is. I do though.

One of the themes in the play was love. This was shown through a girl having her boobies kissed.

The tone of the play was both serious and romantic. The tone was serious because the lights were often dimmed, and also, the main female character dies trying to have an abortion. Romance is another tone because sexual action and touching can be seen.

When the girl's ghost is present, little lighting is present to indicate a depressed and sad mood. When the couple is having erotic sex, the lights are shining on them, to really make them stand out. This also shows that sex is the main focus for the scene.

My favorite scene was the sex scene because I was able to see a girl experience an orgasm. I also saw her topless.

The only "character transformation" I remember happening is the main character finally experiencing sex.

Spring Awakening was definitely worth attending (because I got to see a topless girl).

"It's Like a Fairytale From Baboonland"

One of my students wrote this when I was absent:

Door!

That dirty brown door appears intimidating like a troll. There are spiders everywhere. Mice crawl creepily near the door. Those demons enter their tunnels and don't come back.

(insert image of a door with the word Evil written across it).

When I bravely and courageously enter the door, I notice baboons with five arms. These animals appear busy, carrying various vegetables around. One of them really sticks out. He is shouting orders to the other baboons and is the only one speaking. I close my eyes and wake up as though everything was a dream.

Dear Old Lady Hipster in Front of me at the Food Emporium, You Are SO Old

I mean, you must be at LEAST 29. You probably think you knock a few years off your appearance dressing yourself entirely in the clearance section of Urban Outfitters. Your oversized pork pie hat, gigantic cloud-blue unflattering winter coat, and leggings only conceal the true emptiness of your soul.

Stop turning around and judging me for my purchase of Reduced-Fat Oreos and Low-Fat Milk, okay?! I know what you’re thinking: “so bourgeois and pedestrian. How gauche! I could make those Oreo cookies with my vegan Nabisco recipe book in my East Williamsburg apartment’s kitchen, (advertised, appropriately, to me as a ‘chef’s dream’).” Well, just because you look like The Strokes Cover Band, Reptilia's, wet dream, doesn't mean your cool, okay? "East Williamsburg" is really "Bushwick," and no one likes vegan food except vegans, and EVERYONE KNOWS THAT CHEFS HAVE NO DREAMS. Unless they dream to be on Top Chef, but I would say that qualifies as more of an “aspiration”.

So get over it Nosy Nellie (if that is your real name). Besides, what are YOU buying? An onion? ONLY ONE ONION?! I don’t understand! Are you planning on eating that onion by itself? Where were you and what was happening when you realized you need only one medium-sized onion? Were you in the middle of cooking something vegan when you realized you needed an onion? Don’t they have onions in Bushwick? Maybe not: one more reason I don’t live in “Suckwick” (that was my creative take on “Bushwick”, I thought it was better than “Suck Williamsburg”, with the “Suck” replacing the word “East”). I bet they don’t have Food Emporiums out in East Williamsuck, because supermarkets with creative jingles won’t be found in neighborhoods lacking one thing the jingle indicates: Class.

So go home to BushSuck (ANOTHER creative take on your very much-hypothesized place of living. I know what you’re thinking: ZING!). I’ll be cozying up in my apartment on University Place, a place where I don’t feel like I fit in, mostly because I don’t attend the university anymore, but WHATEVER. Stop following me home by walking in front of me the whole time! I hope your onionbreath fights off the demons keeping you trapped in the garb of a 19-year-old, trapped in the university dorm on University Place, right next door.

Indecent Haiku

My friend started a website with Haiku that is Indecent. He calls it, Indecent Haiku.

Check out my latest post: http://indecenthaiku.com/2008/12/aging/

It's perfect for the holidays.

Merry Christmas!

Jackie