I came home from work
And I needed a nap.
So I napped.
I woke up from my nap
and needed to eat.
So I ate.
I finished eating
And decided I’d like some wine.
But I didn’t have any.
I finished eating
And in addition to some wine I also needed a bubble bath.
But I didn’t have any bubbles.
And I felt really gross after napping,
which is so typical.
I could have, of course,
Always taken a bath without bubbles…
But not before I retrieved some wine,
Because it was snowing,
And going into the cold with a wet head is
Not Smart.
But I could, of course
Have Gotten some Wine AND Bubbles
And then be set
To enjoy them both
At the same time?!
I went for some bubbles
And bubbly wine
And got mugged on the way.
That Sucked.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Friday, November 02, 2007
Halloween Attracts more Fratboy Douchbags to the East Village
Last night, Halloween 2007, featured downtown New York’s 34th annual Halloween parade, filling the village with drunks, frat boys, and drunk fratboys.
In my old age I’ve failed to get into the Halloween spirit. I haven’t had much of a costume since I was the Mad Hatter my senior year of High School, and even that just involved wearing a hat. The next few Halloweens are all a blur, culminating last year when I threw on a fur coat and called myself a squirrel. When it comes to Halloween, I like to get out of the Village and head to Lazytown: Population, Me.
This year I was lazy enough not to even TRY to have a costume, so I should have been more impressed by all the girls who put so much effort into wearing so little. But I wasn’t. So my investment banker friends and I traipsed through the village trying to find the best place to go, pointing at people, staring, and doing all those things you’re told not to do when you’re young.
If there’s anything New Yorkers don’t need an excuse to do, it’s drink. For some reason, Halloween has become this kind of surrogate St. Patrick’s day, and St. Patrick’s day is just a more extravagant East Village Saturday, only everyone wears green. Halloween, however, demands everyone be in costume. It’s also a little like the only other holiday that I know involves costumes, Purim.
I was surprised to see that even at 1:00am on a WEDNESDAY night there were still tons of people out drinking. I can’t believe all of those people called in sick to work the next day. I was even witness to a crime, involving one man chasing another man through the streets screaming “Police! Stop that guy! He’s got my shit!” The crowds were horrible, the traffic worse, and the foot-traffic easily reminiscent of Times Square. Despite all this, I think I’d end up traveling to village on Halloween if I didn’t already live there, so I should just stop complaining.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
One of My Students is a Genius
Pinocchio is a lonely piece of wood.
He has been on many adventures. Here's one of them.
Once, Pinocchio was walking down the street and some guy tried to kidnap Pinocchio. Pinocchio said "I like your pants", which was a lie, and his nose grew and went through the guy's stomach. The guy died.
The next day Pinocchio met Girl-Pinocchio and they became friends and eventually they got married and had little Pinnochiettes. They were happy.
One day when they were coming back from the mall some guy jumped them. Then they were poor so Pinocchio had to work extra time as a towel rack to keep up with the rent.
Eventually they were both turned into lamp poles and chairs.
The End
He has been on many adventures. Here's one of them.
Once, Pinocchio was walking down the street and some guy tried to kidnap Pinocchio. Pinocchio said "I like your pants", which was a lie, and his nose grew and went through the guy's stomach. The guy died.
The next day Pinocchio met Girl-Pinocchio and they became friends and eventually they got married and had little Pinnochiettes. They were happy.
One day when they were coming back from the mall some guy jumped them. Then they were poor so Pinocchio had to work extra time as a towel rack to keep up with the rent.
Eventually they were both turned into lamp poles and chairs.
The End
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Today I Bought a Poem for Five Bucks
I walked past a young man on the street
with a hat
and I thought
"I'm wearing a hat too!"
Though this man on the street
Also
with a desk and a typewriter and a sign that said
POEMS
was bruised in his face, and mustached, and cold.
I didn't get a poem at first, because I needed to go find some hot dogs.
But then I got stuck at a traffic light and didn't want to wait to cross the street,
So back to the man with a hat and typewriter
I asked him to write me a poem.
It's About Hot Dogs:
flesh stick searching.
could they be in the
park, by the small wiener dogs?
could they be in the motor
shop with all the hot rods.
perhaps by the noodle stand
standing so tall.
in the buns or alone
some say they are clones.
really they could be
food for a king.
mighty and tasty to grill
or just cold.
The mighty wiener
shape of the future
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\the hot dog town.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\good luck.
By Street Poet William Chrome (wC)
with a hat
and I thought
"I'm wearing a hat too!"
Though this man on the street
Also
with a desk and a typewriter and a sign that said
POEMS
was bruised in his face, and mustached, and cold.
I didn't get a poem at first, because I needed to go find some hot dogs.
But then I got stuck at a traffic light and didn't want to wait to cross the street,
So back to the man with a hat and typewriter
I asked him to write me a poem.
It's About Hot Dogs:
flesh stick searching.
could they be in the
park, by the small wiener dogs?
could they be in the motor
shop with all the hot rods.
perhaps by the noodle stand
standing so tall.
in the buns or alone
some say they are clones.
really they could be
food for a king.
mighty and tasty to grill
or just cold.
The mighty wiener
shape of the future
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\the hot dog town.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\good luck.
By Street Poet William Chrome (wC)
Friday, October 05, 2007
A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR PUPILS
Today and yesterday have proven themselves to be official “sick days.” I didn’t take off from work, and I myself am not feeling ill in any capacity. What has happened, it seems, is that many of the students have gotten sick by their own accord…or each others.
Yesterday in Acting class, I couldn’t help but notice one of my students with Pink Eye. I mean, there, watching me, learning from me, on the face of this pupil was an enlarged and rather pink Pink Eye. Other students in the class found it hard to improvise any scenes with him, out of fear that he was contagious and would too soon turn their eyes pink as well. I’d say he wasn’t rubbing his eye and then pretending to rub his hands all over other students, but he was.
Later in the day one of the seniors that came to audition for the musical said he had Mono. His eyes and face were already swollen, but he convinced himself to sing American Pie anyway.
And then today it was like an entire plague had been thrust upon this quaint and thriftless domain of private education. In another Drama class of 6th graders, a student was absent, having broken BOTH of his wrists horsing around in gym class. During first period the student I usually tutor one-on-one was completely bleached of color, her face a little blue (she still, however, managed to be quite argumentative when going over her Spanish homework. YES, “uno” is spelled “U-N-O” not “O-O-K-N-O-W”).
The student that followed found her nose just as stuffy, her throat just as sore, and I took it upon myself to Windex the desk we were using...three times in 40 minutes. Now I’m paranoid I’m doomed to get sick, if only from working in the same environment as all these sick people. One of my coworkers told me the NYU fencing team has been stricken with Mono (almost all of them have it) and that fencing practice has been reduced to sitting around complaining and using rapiers as toothpicks…which is probably how they all got Mono in the first place.
Only time will tell if I’ll soon succumb to this pestilence stinging my place of work. As for now, I’ll be consuming bihourly glasses of Airborny-Water and drinking hot glasses of Whiskyey-Tea in the hopes to avoid having any sick days of my own.
Yesterday in Acting class, I couldn’t help but notice one of my students with Pink Eye. I mean, there, watching me, learning from me, on the face of this pupil was an enlarged and rather pink Pink Eye. Other students in the class found it hard to improvise any scenes with him, out of fear that he was contagious and would too soon turn their eyes pink as well. I’d say he wasn’t rubbing his eye and then pretending to rub his hands all over other students, but he was.
Later in the day one of the seniors that came to audition for the musical said he had Mono. His eyes and face were already swollen, but he convinced himself to sing American Pie anyway.
And then today it was like an entire plague had been thrust upon this quaint and thriftless domain of private education. In another Drama class of 6th graders, a student was absent, having broken BOTH of his wrists horsing around in gym class. During first period the student I usually tutor one-on-one was completely bleached of color, her face a little blue (she still, however, managed to be quite argumentative when going over her Spanish homework. YES, “uno” is spelled “U-N-O” not “O-O-K-N-O-W”).
The student that followed found her nose just as stuffy, her throat just as sore, and I took it upon myself to Windex the desk we were using...three times in 40 minutes. Now I’m paranoid I’m doomed to get sick, if only from working in the same environment as all these sick people. One of my coworkers told me the NYU fencing team has been stricken with Mono (almost all of them have it) and that fencing practice has been reduced to sitting around complaining and using rapiers as toothpicks…which is probably how they all got Mono in the first place.
Only time will tell if I’ll soon succumb to this pestilence stinging my place of work. As for now, I’ll be consuming bihourly glasses of Airborny-Water and drinking hot glasses of Whiskyey-Tea in the hopes to avoid having any sick days of my own.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
That Ridiculous Scavenger Hunt I Went on That I Forgot to Write About
At 9:00am in early September, classes hadn’t officially started for the students of the school at which I’m working. However, on this day in early September, the entire sophomore class was dragged to school to compete with each other in a half-day scavenger hunt, free to run free in NYC with only me and one other English Teacher to "not lose them."
Unbeknownst to us as teachers, the students cared less about this daily activity than we did. They were far more interested in the fact that we were suddenly surrounded by Starbucks on every corner, and that they were out of dress code, and I think they pitied the dorks in red hats and khaki shorts that enthusiastically handed us our assignments.
The scavenger hunt proved to be more ridiculous than we had anticipated. The “main idea” or the “real motivation” for our students to schlep their tired selves around New York was this:
JOHN WILKES BOOTH WANTS TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO KILL ABRAHAM LINCOLN BEFORE HE BECOMES PRESIDENT. YOU, AS EXPERT SCAVENGERS, MUST FIND ALL THE CLUES TO STOP HIM.
Finding out that our mission was to stop some time-traveling dead guy made my unenthused tenth-graders even less enthused. We didn’t exactly race to stop him, as much as we sulked, complained, and in the true vein of Wilkes Booth himself, even cheated when we ran into another group that didn’t care either. I think Abraham Lincoln was turning in his grave from our apathy.
Eventually, after cheating (or “forming an alliance against Mr. Booth”) we finished “finding” all of the clues, all of which involved numbers in some way and ultimately gave us a phone number we had to call. When we called the number a message said:
THIS IS JOHN WILKES BOOTH, AND YOU’VE STOPPED ME FROM TRAVELING THROUGH TIME! Now go meet up with your friends near the NYU library.
But why would we listen to an assassin? I mean, we did and everything, but why would we?
So next to the NYU library we went. I was uncomfortable knowing that Mr. Booth was Mr. Aware of my Alma Mater. I mean, what if he looked me up in the NYU directory? Or even worse, on Facebook?
In the end, my team and another team got the top two highest scores, and there needed to be a tie-breaker question. The students were asked, “When is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday?” These poor private school kids don’t get a week off to celebrate this great leader’s day of birth, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when they guessed “4/20.”
In fact, the only reason we ended up winning was because the other team guessed “5/20” and we, though obscenely wrong, were the closer ones.
As far as I'm concerned, no one won. Not even John Wilkes Booth, (and HE has Time Traveling capabilities.)
Unbeknownst to us as teachers, the students cared less about this daily activity than we did. They were far more interested in the fact that we were suddenly surrounded by Starbucks on every corner, and that they were out of dress code, and I think they pitied the dorks in red hats and khaki shorts that enthusiastically handed us our assignments.
The scavenger hunt proved to be more ridiculous than we had anticipated. The “main idea” or the “real motivation” for our students to schlep their tired selves around New York was this:
JOHN WILKES BOOTH WANTS TO TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO KILL ABRAHAM LINCOLN BEFORE HE BECOMES PRESIDENT. YOU, AS EXPERT SCAVENGERS, MUST FIND ALL THE CLUES TO STOP HIM.
Finding out that our mission was to stop some time-traveling dead guy made my unenthused tenth-graders even less enthused. We didn’t exactly race to stop him, as much as we sulked, complained, and in the true vein of Wilkes Booth himself, even cheated when we ran into another group that didn’t care either. I think Abraham Lincoln was turning in his grave from our apathy.
Eventually, after cheating (or “forming an alliance against Mr. Booth”) we finished “finding” all of the clues, all of which involved numbers in some way and ultimately gave us a phone number we had to call. When we called the number a message said:
THIS IS JOHN WILKES BOOTH, AND YOU’VE STOPPED ME FROM TRAVELING THROUGH TIME! Now go meet up with your friends near the NYU library.
But why would we listen to an assassin? I mean, we did and everything, but why would we?
So next to the NYU library we went. I was uncomfortable knowing that Mr. Booth was Mr. Aware of my Alma Mater. I mean, what if he looked me up in the NYU directory? Or even worse, on Facebook?
In the end, my team and another team got the top two highest scores, and there needed to be a tie-breaker question. The students were asked, “When is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday?” These poor private school kids don’t get a week off to celebrate this great leader’s day of birth, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when they guessed “4/20.”
In fact, the only reason we ended up winning was because the other team guessed “5/20” and we, though obscenely wrong, were the closer ones.
As far as I'm concerned, no one won. Not even John Wilkes Booth, (and HE has Time Traveling capabilities.)
Monday, September 24, 2007
Nothing Beats Mallomars: Part I
(Character A enters holding a box of "Mallomars" cookies, with the "mars" part clearly crossed off and the word "jews" written/taped over it. The box should say "Mallowjews.")
A: Tis the season for everyone's favorite kosher cookie!
(Character B reaches for a cookie, Character C hesitates)
C: Wait, what's Kosher mean again?
B: It means that these cookies don't have meat and cheese in them.
(Character C looks confused, grabs a cookie and studies it)
C: So they're not like those bacon cookies we had last week?
A: No, those were kosher because they didn't have any cheese in them. They only had bacon.
B: And I don't know if those were "bacon cookies" or if it was just "bacon" you were eating.
C: Well, looks like I'm going to be really rich for inventing the Bacon Cookie.
A: What will you call them?
C: Probably something like "Bacon Cookies."
B: Yeah, anythings better than my cookie name, "Mallowjews."
C: At least they're both kosher.
A: Tis the season for everyone's favorite kosher cookie!
(Character B reaches for a cookie, Character C hesitates)
C: Wait, what's Kosher mean again?
B: It means that these cookies don't have meat and cheese in them.
(Character C looks confused, grabs a cookie and studies it)
C: So they're not like those bacon cookies we had last week?
A: No, those were kosher because they didn't have any cheese in them. They only had bacon.
B: And I don't know if those were "bacon cookies" or if it was just "bacon" you were eating.
C: Well, looks like I'm going to be really rich for inventing the Bacon Cookie.
A: What will you call them?
C: Probably something like "Bacon Cookies."
B: Yeah, anythings better than my cookie name, "Mallowjews."
C: At least they're both kosher.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
New Baseball Bat Law!
As of September 2007, the New York City Council has enacted a law banning the use of non-wood bats.*
The Council declared that the use of non-wood bats poses an unacceptable risk of injury to children, particularly those who play competitive high school baseball.
Specifics of the Law:
• Who: Public or Private High School students ages 13-18 who play competitive baseball for their school team.
• What: A competitive baseball game means an organized game at which a certified umpire officiates in NYC.
* "Wood bat" means any baseball bat constructed exclusively of wood or any wood laminated or wood composite which is approved by major league baseball.
• Who: Public or Private High School students ages 13-18 who play competitive baseball for their school team.
• What: A competitive baseball game means an organized game at which a certified umpire officiates in NYC.
* "Wood bat" means any baseball bat constructed exclusively of wood or any wood laminated or wood composite which is approved by major league baseball.
LESSON LEARNED: Wood bats hurt less when you hit people with them.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
My dad keeps recommending the "JSD Band" from the 70's.
I keep recommending ponies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKTSWgCKCnM
I keep recommending ponies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKTSWgCKCnM
Monday, July 30, 2007
How I Hope to Meet Zach Braff and Why He and Rachel Would Be Best Best Friends
I was watching Scrubs when I envisioned this Scenario. I apologize in advance for the language.
The Scene:
We are sitting in Central Park, waiting for NYC's Summerstaged Romeo and Juliet to begin. JACKIE took too long at the gym and ran late to the performance, sweaty, smelly, hungry, and irate. RACHEL is really excited to be there, and annoyed for my incompetence. ZACH BRAFF, totally incognito, sits on the other side of me probably with a friend or something on the other side of him.
RACHEL: Glad you made it.
JACKIE: (looking strait ahead) Me too.
RACHEL: Are you okay?
JACKIE: (still looking straight ahead) Yeah.
RACHEL: You seem kind of pissed.
JACKIE: What do you want, Rachel? I'm hot and I'm hungry and I probably smell like sweat and vomit from the gym, and Zach Braff is sitting next to me.
(ZACH BRAFF turns and looks in confused acknowledgment)
JACKIE: (to ZACH BRAFF) Garden State sucked.
ZACH BRAFF: Nuh-uh.
JACKIE: Did it even have a point?
ZACH BRAFF: Yeah, it -
JACKIE: Shut the fuck up.
ZACH BRAFF stops and is angry. There is a silence and everyone looks straight ahead.
ZACH BRAFF - You from Long Island or something?
JACKIE: Will you watch the fucking Shakespeare?
RACHEL: Yeah, Juliet just drank some poison and Romeo thinks she's dead and I want to know what happens.
JACKIE: Yeah.
ZACH BRAFF: Sorry.
JACKIE: Sorry won't put those two hours of valuable independent film watching time back in my hand, okay?
RACHEL: Dude, you're totally yelling at Zach Braff.
JACKIE: You're right. (To ZB) Sorry.
RACHEL: You think the gift of time would go in your hand?
JACKIE: Where else would it go?
(RACHEL Shrugs. ZB Shakes his head in disbelief with his friend sitting next to him. JACKIE screams at the stage.)
Jackie: No Juliet, put the dagger down! (She winces)
ZACH BRAFF: I understand why you smell like sweat...but why also vomit?
JACKIE: Shut it, Jersey Boy.
RACHEL: He's also a Northwestern Alum.
ZACH BRAFF:(to rachel) Oh, you go to Northwestern?
RACHEL: (excited/interested) Yeah, I hear you're also Jewish...
(conversation between RACHEL and ZACH BRAFF ensues briefly as all three are escorted from the theatre for being to loud.)
The Scene:
We are sitting in Central Park, waiting for NYC's Summerstaged Romeo and Juliet to begin. JACKIE took too long at the gym and ran late to the performance, sweaty, smelly, hungry, and irate. RACHEL is really excited to be there, and annoyed for my incompetence. ZACH BRAFF, totally incognito, sits on the other side of me probably with a friend or something on the other side of him.
RACHEL: Glad you made it.
JACKIE: (looking strait ahead) Me too.
RACHEL: Are you okay?
JACKIE: (still looking straight ahead) Yeah.
RACHEL: You seem kind of pissed.
JACKIE: What do you want, Rachel? I'm hot and I'm hungry and I probably smell like sweat and vomit from the gym, and Zach Braff is sitting next to me.
(ZACH BRAFF turns and looks in confused acknowledgment)
JACKIE: (to ZACH BRAFF) Garden State sucked.
ZACH BRAFF: Nuh-uh.
JACKIE: Did it even have a point?
ZACH BRAFF: Yeah, it -
JACKIE: Shut the fuck up.
ZACH BRAFF stops and is angry. There is a silence and everyone looks straight ahead.
ZACH BRAFF - You from Long Island or something?
JACKIE: Will you watch the fucking Shakespeare?
RACHEL: Yeah, Juliet just drank some poison and Romeo thinks she's dead and I want to know what happens.
JACKIE: Yeah.
ZACH BRAFF: Sorry.
JACKIE: Sorry won't put those two hours of valuable independent film watching time back in my hand, okay?
RACHEL: Dude, you're totally yelling at Zach Braff.
JACKIE: You're right. (To ZB) Sorry.
RACHEL: You think the gift of time would go in your hand?
JACKIE: Where else would it go?
(RACHEL Shrugs. ZB Shakes his head in disbelief with his friend sitting next to him. JACKIE screams at the stage.)
Jackie: No Juliet, put the dagger down! (She winces)
ZACH BRAFF: I understand why you smell like sweat...but why also vomit?
JACKIE: Shut it, Jersey Boy.
RACHEL: He's also a Northwestern Alum.
ZACH BRAFF:(to rachel) Oh, you go to Northwestern?
RACHEL: (excited/interested) Yeah, I hear you're also Jewish...
(conversation between RACHEL and ZACH BRAFF ensues briefly as all three are escorted from the theatre for being to loud.)
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Fun With Letters!
What's up with silent K? Who thought that would be a good idea? Knew? Try Ka-new. Which sounds like that boat, Canoe. That's write K, C wins this time. I mean, if we're going to add K's to everything, we mustn't discriminate. Along the lines of "knew," let's try "think." Ka-think? That's ka-right k-adder. K's everywhere! Keverywhere? Ka-genius!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I Would Have Done More Reading in College if My Textbooks had Bigger Print and More Pictures
I'm just kidding, I learned a lot in school. Though nothing distracts from learning better than big and little Rhinos!
Eep!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Spice Girls Miss Being Famous: Reuniting for World Tour
In 7th grade, it seemed that the day hell froze would be the day the Spice Girls (All of them, including "Ginger") would get back together. Ladies and Gentlemen, that day has come.
Don't believe me? Click Here for Proof
Now that I'm not in middle school, I won't feel so embarrassed to "spice up my life" and "say I'll be there" when they perform in NYC this December.
No, wait. I'm still embarrassed.
As long as we're talking about adolescent memories, click here to see an old classic with a new twist.
Don't believe me? Click Here for Proof
Now that I'm not in middle school, I won't feel so embarrassed to "spice up my life" and "say I'll be there" when they perform in NYC this December.
No, wait. I'm still embarrassed.
As long as we're talking about adolescent memories, click here to see an old classic with a new twist.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
MOVIE REVIEW FUN: Superbad
The past few decades have been graced with high school coming-of-age movies like American Pie, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and The Breakfast Club. This summer welcome Superbad to the American Adolescent Debauchery Canon from the guys that brought you Knocked Up. The film features a cast of run-of-the-mill dweebs finding themselves in spectacular situations. It's the Dude Where's My Car of the new millennium, only a lot better, and less bad.
Not-so-cool-dudes Evan(Michael Cera), Seth(Jonah Hill), and Fogell(Christopher Mintze-Plasse) are totally stoked when they're invited to a party by an out-of-their-league-girl, but her expectations for them to bring the booze proove too high with their friend's new, shoddy, fake ID saying he's a 25 year-old Hawaiian with a one-name moniker, "McLovin". Things go awry in during the most honest of illegal-alcohol-purchase-performances, and we're introduced to two quirky/lazy police officers (played by Seth Rogan and SNL's Bill Hader). Charmed by McLovin's ability to hold his own, these two representatives of suburban law enforcement convince Fogell/McLovin to spend a large chunk of his evening running red lights, shooting guns, and drinking beer.
But while Fogell is playing games with cops, Seth and Evan are whisked to a party where they're forced to dance, forced to sing, and when our two favorite cops break up the place, they're forced to run to the fiesta of their initial intent: the one with the drunk girls that will
(hopefully) put any pocketed condoms and spermicidal lube to use. We've all been there, right?
It's the honesty of the cast that brings to life the quirky and
ultimately familiar humor in the script. In response to a girl's drunk exclamation that "she's so wet" a chagrined and intoxicated Evan replies "I learned that would happen in Health Class." Evan's straight-faced rambling character is certainly reminiscent of Michael Cera's former role on Arrested Development as "George Michael", and Fogell is brought to life in a breakout performance by Christopher Mintze-Plasse. Whereas films like Napoleon Dynamite and American Pie have launched gaggles of no-name-actors' careers, Superbad will do the
same.
We're taken by these characters because, in so many ways, a lot of us in our high-school-days were these characters. No one wanted to sit alone at the lunch table, bake a cake without a partner in homeconomics, or be constantly reminded of a most-embarrassing-elementary -school-moment. I'm sure we all questioned the necessity of our required elective courses, and/or the point of going to class when struck with a bad case of senioritis. Most
importantly, we all feared the big life-change of college transition, the new distances between close friends, and the thought of living with strangers. High School coming-of age-movies speak a language embedded with wafts of chalk and long-lost memories, or slice-of-life problems that today's teenagers want to see worked out. More reason as to why this movie is awesome.
Superbad is a high school movie without cheerleaders, band-campers, jocks, punks, mean girls, talent shows and drama geeks. In other movies, these social stereotypes are made out to be cliques of monsters, making high school a scary and worrisome place for a new student to try and fit in, or for a group of kids in detention pretending to get along. Though Superbad certainly tips its hat to other films in the American Adolescent Debauchery Canon, it's a lot of fun, a lot of good, and a lot things we'd never expect from a high school comedy. There's still the sex, raunch, vulgar language, and underage boozing, but nothing too bold or offensive. Superbad is "supergood" in its embrace of the "average" high schooler and, in a sense, it's audience.
Not-so-cool-dudes Evan(Michael Cera), Seth(Jonah Hill), and Fogell(Christopher Mintze-Plasse) are totally stoked when they're invited to a party by an out-of-their-league-girl, but her expectations for them to bring the booze proove too high with their friend's new, shoddy, fake ID saying he's a 25 year-old Hawaiian with a one-name moniker, "McLovin". Things go awry in during the most honest of illegal-alcohol-purchase-performances, and we're introduced to two quirky/lazy police officers (played by Seth Rogan and SNL's Bill Hader). Charmed by McLovin's ability to hold his own, these two representatives of suburban law enforcement convince Fogell/McLovin to spend a large chunk of his evening running red lights, shooting guns, and drinking beer.
But while Fogell is playing games with cops, Seth and Evan are whisked to a party where they're forced to dance, forced to sing, and when our two favorite cops break up the place, they're forced to run to the fiesta of their initial intent: the one with the drunk girls that will
(hopefully) put any pocketed condoms and spermicidal lube to use. We've all been there, right?
It's the honesty of the cast that brings to life the quirky and
ultimately familiar humor in the script. In response to a girl's drunk exclamation that "she's so wet" a chagrined and intoxicated Evan replies "I learned that would happen in Health Class." Evan's straight-faced rambling character is certainly reminiscent of Michael Cera's former role on Arrested Development as "George Michael", and Fogell is brought to life in a breakout performance by Christopher Mintze-Plasse. Whereas films like Napoleon Dynamite and American Pie have launched gaggles of no-name-actors' careers, Superbad will do the
same.
We're taken by these characters because, in so many ways, a lot of us in our high-school-days were these characters. No one wanted to sit alone at the lunch table, bake a cake without a partner in homeconomics, or be constantly reminded of a most-embarrassing-elementary -school-moment. I'm sure we all questioned the necessity of our required elective courses, and/or the point of going to class when struck with a bad case of senioritis. Most
importantly, we all feared the big life-change of college transition, the new distances between close friends, and the thought of living with strangers. High School coming-of age-movies speak a language embedded with wafts of chalk and long-lost memories, or slice-of-life problems that today's teenagers want to see worked out. More reason as to why this movie is awesome.
Superbad is a high school movie without cheerleaders, band-campers, jocks, punks, mean girls, talent shows and drama geeks. In other movies, these social stereotypes are made out to be cliques of monsters, making high school a scary and worrisome place for a new student to try and fit in, or for a group of kids in detention pretending to get along. Though Superbad certainly tips its hat to other films in the American Adolescent Debauchery Canon, it's a lot of fun, a lot of good, and a lot things we'd never expect from a high school comedy. There's still the sex, raunch, vulgar language, and underage boozing, but nothing too bold or offensive. Superbad is "supergood" in its embrace of the "average" high schooler and, in a sense, it's audience.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Happy Summer!
Summers in NYC mean…
1. My neighbors leave their windows open and blast New Age music. And sing along.
2. I close my windows and sit comfortably in air conditioning.
3. Children are out of school.
4. Children are playing outside my apartment.(I know this because SCREAMING LOUDLY = HAVING FUN!)
5. Fewer Naps.
This is like a logic proof. IF there are children screaming loudly in close proximity THEN they are having fun. I sleep less during the day. THEREFORE (the dotted triangle) I sleep less during the day WHEN children are having fun by the Law Of Disjunctive Inference or "LODI."
6. HUMIDITY HUMIDITY HUMIDITY.
7. Wearing sandals!
8. Regretting wearing sandals.
9. Skimpy clothes.
10. Feeling fat.
11. Flavored ice.
12. Roof parties.
13. Roof “accidents.”
14. Jump in sales for roof-fence-makers.
15. Blockbuster sequels.
16. National Increase in pirate jokes and Johnny Depp magazine covers.
17. Fruit Flies.
18. Traveling.
19. Subways Smell Worse.
20. Splurging cabs more often.
21. A new gym membership.
If you have anything else you’d like me to add to this list, let me know!
1. My neighbors leave their windows open and blast New Age music. And sing along.
2. I close my windows and sit comfortably in air conditioning.
3. Children are out of school.
4. Children are playing outside my apartment.(I know this because SCREAMING LOUDLY = HAVING FUN!)
5. Fewer Naps.
This is like a logic proof. IF there are children screaming loudly in close proximity THEN they are having fun. I sleep less during the day. THEREFORE (the dotted triangle) I sleep less during the day WHEN children are having fun by the Law Of Disjunctive Inference or "LODI."
6. HUMIDITY HUMIDITY HUMIDITY.
7. Wearing sandals!
8. Regretting wearing sandals.
9. Skimpy clothes.
10. Feeling fat.
11. Flavored ice.
12. Roof parties.
13. Roof “accidents.”
14. Jump in sales for roof-fence-makers.
15. Blockbuster sequels.
16. National Increase in pirate jokes and Johnny Depp magazine covers.
17. Fruit Flies.
18. Traveling.
19. Subways Smell Worse.
20. Splurging cabs more often.
21. A new gym membership.
If you have anything else you’d like me to add to this list, let me know!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Think About Public Transportation All the Time, Even When You Don’t Need to go Anywhere and/or have your own car/bus/van/plane/Giant Carrier Pigeon
Not Obsessed with NYC Transit? Here’s Your Chance!
That’s right. Coming soon to your Ipod: Podcasts about subways and buses! This podcast, called “Transit Trax,” will feature the latest in NYC Subway news, including, but not limited to, service changes, weekly construction hot-spots, Metrocard specials, and who jumped. Intrigued? You bet.
No longer will Willams-bergers be able to say, “The L train is broken again. If only I had a Podcast that told me to expect these things!” Fear not hipsters and hipstresses, NYC is trying to make it as easy as possible to get this info in advance, (even though the L train is ALWAYS broken, and you should know that.)
But where can you learn about these magical tips and tools? The new TVs installed on the latest RI60 trains. For those of you that don’t know what the RI60 trains are, they look like every other train, only these have TVs in them. They were nothing too spectacular, just beautiful shiny screens with the usual subway jargon: “If you see something, say something” or “Don’t Run Down the Stairs” and, of course, “Look at how cool this N train is!”
Maybe this is old news and I’ve just been taking the wrong trains for the past few months. These videos of the new trains found on Youtube seem to think so.
I suppose it’s only a matter of time before more of these TVs show up, maybe even with sound and more advertisements. Maybe these new silent screens will revitalize the magic of silent movies, resurrecting a lost medium and leaving many New Yorkers cursing the inherent distraction of a moving image in a moving subway (a pick-pockets paradise). Surveys will record a record-breaking jump in the number of missed stops by passengers. Or maybe they’ll just continue to silently say, “If you see something, say something” and no one will really care all that much.
So now you can listen to podcasted news about NYC transit while you’re riding NYC Transit watching news about New York City Transit, in the hopes to eradicate poor travel decisions you'll be wishing you never made.
So let’s let public transportation consume our lives.
Next Stop? Wifi.
That’s right. Coming soon to your Ipod: Podcasts about subways and buses! This podcast, called “Transit Trax,” will feature the latest in NYC Subway news, including, but not limited to, service changes, weekly construction hot-spots, Metrocard specials, and who jumped. Intrigued? You bet.
No longer will Willams-bergers be able to say, “The L train is broken again. If only I had a Podcast that told me to expect these things!” Fear not hipsters and hipstresses, NYC is trying to make it as easy as possible to get this info in advance, (even though the L train is ALWAYS broken, and you should know that.)
But where can you learn about these magical tips and tools? The new TVs installed on the latest RI60 trains. For those of you that don’t know what the RI60 trains are, they look like every other train, only these have TVs in them. They were nothing too spectacular, just beautiful shiny screens with the usual subway jargon: “If you see something, say something” or “Don’t Run Down the Stairs” and, of course, “Look at how cool this N train is!”
Maybe this is old news and I’ve just been taking the wrong trains for the past few months. These videos of the new trains found on Youtube seem to think so.
I suppose it’s only a matter of time before more of these TVs show up, maybe even with sound and more advertisements. Maybe these new silent screens will revitalize the magic of silent movies, resurrecting a lost medium and leaving many New Yorkers cursing the inherent distraction of a moving image in a moving subway (a pick-pockets paradise). Surveys will record a record-breaking jump in the number of missed stops by passengers. Or maybe they’ll just continue to silently say, “If you see something, say something” and no one will really care all that much.
So now you can listen to podcasted news about NYC transit while you’re riding NYC Transit watching news about New York City Transit, in the hopes to eradicate poor travel decisions you'll be wishing you never made.
So let’s let public transportation consume our lives.
Next Stop? Wifi.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
A Letter to Coca-Cola
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to compliment you on your product “Coca-Cola.” I also enjoy your product “Diet Coke.” If I could only drink “Coca-Cola” products, I would. I also drink a lot of tap water.
I love your soft drinks more than anything else on the market. Here are a few examples of this:
1. Everytime I ask for “Diet Coke” at a restaurant and a waiter says, “Is ‘Diet Pepsi’ okay?” I say “No.” Then I drink tap water.
2. I only have “Diet Coke” in my fridge.
This past year I was really upset when NYU banned your soft drinks from campus. I was like “Why am I paying you 30 grand a year to NOT drink what I like?” I know that the deliciousness of your product would not be the same without the cheap labor they were talking so much about. I just graduated though, so screw them, right?
Also, your commercials are the least annoying of all the soft drink ads they play in the movie theater. I do have to admit that those Fanta commercials are pretty catchy, though. And disorienting.
Anyway, I commend you on the consistent quality of your product “Coca-Cola.” (Your drink, “Diet Coke,” is also really good). I hope that you continue to make “Coca-Cola” so this way, I can continue to drink it.
Thanks, and keep up the good work!
I am writing to compliment you on your product “Coca-Cola.” I also enjoy your product “Diet Coke.” If I could only drink “Coca-Cola” products, I would. I also drink a lot of tap water.
I love your soft drinks more than anything else on the market. Here are a few examples of this:
1. Everytime I ask for “Diet Coke” at a restaurant and a waiter says, “Is ‘Diet Pepsi’ okay?” I say “No.” Then I drink tap water.
2. I only have “Diet Coke” in my fridge.
This past year I was really upset when NYU banned your soft drinks from campus. I was like “Why am I paying you 30 grand a year to NOT drink what I like?” I know that the deliciousness of your product would not be the same without the cheap labor they were talking so much about. I just graduated though, so screw them, right?
Also, your commercials are the least annoying of all the soft drink ads they play in the movie theater. I do have to admit that those Fanta commercials are pretty catchy, though. And disorienting.
Anyway, I commend you on the consistent quality of your product “Coca-Cola.” (Your drink, “Diet Coke,” is also really good). I hope that you continue to make “Coca-Cola” so this way, I can continue to drink it.
Thanks, and keep up the good work!
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Spirit Animal, Remove My Hangover
I have a Shaman acquaintance. Today, I also have a hangover. I guess my acquaintance is really a Shaman-in-training-acquaintance that I get to see maybe once every two years. His friend, (also a Shaman) is the one that got my acquaintance friend into it, and I think his existence merits a TV show.
Here’s the Pitch:
“Isaac the Red-Haired Shaman” would fit in perfect on NBC’s Wednesday evenings. It can be placed right in between two shows that are better, forcing people to watch it. Isaac, is in fact, a red-haired Shaman. He wears tree branches wrapped around his clothes (he really did this in person), he holds crystals to his forehead to remove headaches and other ailments (this was really done too) and he is a self-proclaimed Shaman. And his hair is dyed red (Way to be “one with nature” Isaac).
Script Exerpt:
FRIEND:
Hey Isaac, what are you doing today?
(Isaac is sitting and reading, he is wrapped in tree branches.)
ISAAC:
Shamanism.
NARRATOR:
Next week on “Isaac the Red-Haired Shaman”….
(ISAAC and FRIEND are in a subway car. They are holding crystals to their foreheads.)
FRIEND:
Spirit Animal, remove my hangover. (He waits a few seconds) It’s not working!
ISAAC:
Let me try. (takes Crystal from FRIEND). Spirit Animal, remove my
hangover! (Waits a few seconds and stops to look at the Crystal). Hmm, must be
broken.
Here’s the Pitch:
“Isaac the Red-Haired Shaman” would fit in perfect on NBC’s Wednesday evenings. It can be placed right in between two shows that are better, forcing people to watch it. Isaac, is in fact, a red-haired Shaman. He wears tree branches wrapped around his clothes (he really did this in person), he holds crystals to his forehead to remove headaches and other ailments (this was really done too) and he is a self-proclaimed Shaman. And his hair is dyed red (Way to be “one with nature” Isaac).
Script Exerpt:
FRIEND:
Hey Isaac, what are you doing today?
(Isaac is sitting and reading, he is wrapped in tree branches.)
ISAAC:
Shamanism.
NARRATOR:
Next week on “Isaac the Red-Haired Shaman”….
(ISAAC and FRIEND are in a subway car. They are holding crystals to their foreheads.)
FRIEND:
Spirit Animal, remove my hangover. (He waits a few seconds) It’s not working!
ISAAC:
Let me try. (takes Crystal from FRIEND). Spirit Animal, remove my
hangover! (Waits a few seconds and stops to look at the Crystal). Hmm, must be
broken.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Home-Ec Project of the Future
Robot Babies Soon to Outsource Cradled Eggs
For a Good Time, Click Above
For a Good Time, Click Above
Despite the Lack of Fruit In My Apartment There Are Fruit Flies
New York City wildlife always irks me a little. Though minimal, it more often than not takes the form of vermin – ants, rats, roaches, fruit flies, roommates, etc. I’ve been fortunate to have few run-ins with these pests thanks to bi-weekly floor bleaches and compulsive dishwashing. I don’t know what these fruit flies are after, but I’d imagine they would have realized by now there is no fruit in my apartment. Or, there is, but it’s in the fridge and, well , out of their reach.
Insured for the next four months, I was supposed to go take advantage of some sort of free gym membership Oxford offers. Instead I’m sitting by my sunny window (not too sunny) with a cool glass of water (not too cool) with my super charged computer (only about halfway).
There are so many things I enjoy doing that I could be doing right now. In fact, an adventure to Coney Island crossed my mind, considering that I’ve never been and it’s rumored to close soon. Instead I’ll be booking dentist appointments, tickets to Tokyo, and finishing a stuttery monologue for some sort of showcase. A-typical afternoon?
Insured for the next four months, I was supposed to go take advantage of some sort of free gym membership Oxford offers. Instead I’m sitting by my sunny window (not too sunny) with a cool glass of water (not too cool) with my super charged computer (only about halfway).
There are so many things I enjoy doing that I could be doing right now. In fact, an adventure to Coney Island crossed my mind, considering that I’ve never been and it’s rumored to close soon. Instead I’ll be booking dentist appointments, tickets to Tokyo, and finishing a stuttery monologue for some sort of showcase. A-typical afternoon?
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Launch - Blog 2007
I am bored.
I could have gone to the stand up comedy show around the corner from my place, but no. It’s much more fun to get drunk by yourself and write about it.
“Starting a blog” sounds like a great title to a song in a musical. It’s also what I’m doing. This kind of reminds me of when, in high school, people used to post their feelings on Xanga.
Now everyone I know posts their feelings on facebook. But really, the only way to appear cool on facebook is to not use your account at all and just let other people post pictures of you, write on your wall, and essentially write about your feelings for you. “Hey, we had a great time last night” or “You sure look like you’re having fun in this picture” or “Hope you feel better about that dead thing.” Everyone knows what you’re feeling and you didn’t even have to say anything about it. Slick. Real Slick.
But I am not cool, because I use my Facebook account everyday.
So now I have a blog. It’s in response to various emails about why I didn’t have one and felt it necessary to email people long-winded thoughts I had about things they may not have otherwise cared about. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is my first solo step into cyberspace. Sort of.
I could have gone to the stand up comedy show around the corner from my place, but no. It’s much more fun to get drunk by yourself and write about it.
“Starting a blog” sounds like a great title to a song in a musical. It’s also what I’m doing. This kind of reminds me of when, in high school, people used to post their feelings on Xanga.
Now everyone I know posts their feelings on facebook. But really, the only way to appear cool on facebook is to not use your account at all and just let other people post pictures of you, write on your wall, and essentially write about your feelings for you. “Hey, we had a great time last night” or “You sure look like you’re having fun in this picture” or “Hope you feel better about that dead thing.” Everyone knows what you’re feeling and you didn’t even have to say anything about it. Slick. Real Slick.
But I am not cool, because I use my Facebook account everyday.
So now I have a blog. It’s in response to various emails about why I didn’t have one and felt it necessary to email people long-winded thoughts I had about things they may not have otherwise cared about. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is my first solo step into cyberspace. Sort of.
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